Sampsonia Way, Pennyslvania- The Nexus of Weird

There has been an image from Google Earth street view making the internet rounds the last few days exposing a couple of larpers out in the urban elements. Smack in downtown Pittsburgh, on Sampsonia Way, 2 larpers with boffers and all are going at it without any consideration that they are most likely instigating the first larper hate crime. However, as we will soon see, they aren't the weirdest things on Sampsonia, which is clearly a parallel universe of insanity.

Oh friends, don't you know the larper native habitat is in the woods? You have nowhere to hide when a bully comes up, steals your boffer, and beats you half to death with it. Oh wait, conveniently enough I, Lauren Larp, as I have been dubbed by Elman, have found this place down the street that can be your larp refuge:


Oh yes, that is in fact a GIGANTIC raw chicken. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the biggest salmonella biohazard one will ever see. And of course, you can't miss the Ham Man across the street staring you down:


Sampsonia Way really can't get better than meat corner, can it? Oh, but then it does. There is absolutely no way to introduce what exactly is happening in this particular garage:



Wait, what? WHAT!? What in the name of giant poultry is going on here? This is like some scene out of a horror movie. Do those people have kidney sunglasses? A block down, you will see the crazy man with a laser has already gotten to some poor, poor dog:



YUP, his leg fell off. This street of hell makes me want to cry. As you turn away from the deformed dog, you will be excited to find you have come across the crazy house where all of this must have originated:

I have no idea what those squiggles mean, but I'm pretty sure it's directions for devil worship. Or maybe it's Chinese, who the hell knows. I've already turned around and realized I'm in the middle of a freaking parade. You know what Pittsburgh? You are one weird, crazy little place... and I just might have to visit, with a boffer in hand of course, so I can defend myself from your mutant meat products.

A Day of No Lauren

We queers have something called "A Day of Silence." The idea is that we have one day a year one which we don't speak so as to call attention to... well, how awesome we are. You know, make other people realize what it would be like not to have us doing their hair and decorating their homes (this really doesn't work for my kind of queer.. but the idea holds true). Today, our office had its first annual "Day of No Lauren" and I will be the first to say, I now know how awesome she is.

Yes, Lauren's and my schedules are off by two days, so there are two days a week that technically qualify as "Days of No Lauren" but I've gotten used to those. Today was an unexpected loss. The nerdiness was breath-taking. For starters, The Boffer brought in a Boffing Sword! Boffing, you remember from Lauren's helpful post, is like LARPing, but "with stiffer weapons" (/gag). I requested a demonstration and am glad to be able to bring to light the hilarity that can occur at 6:15 in the morning:




Then, Elman blasphemed, calling Jesus a "20 Level Cleric," which resulted in his providing this gem as... proof?:



Thanks to google, I was able to get a bit more explanation from some unrelated nerd's blog. However, because I am not, myself, a nerd, I don't know how to get a screenshot on my home computer (a "windows machine"). At work, sure, but that's because it's necessary to do my job. Regardless, let's just say, google "Jesus Level 20" and you'll find some good stuff.

Later, when Elman did something semi-decent and ordered us all pizza, another nerd (I really only feel comfortable naming Elman... the others have my respect, and thus, shan't be named) uttered the most horrible words I've ever heard in my life. Lauren, you'll know... you'll know:

Nerd 1 to Nerd 2: Aren't you going to fill up your HP?
Heidi: Whaaa?
Nerd 1: HP... Health Points
Heidi: Please don't tell me this involves....
Nerd 1: The Turtles, yeah.
Heidi: (through searing head pain) Like, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Nerd 1: (through much eye-rolling) Uh, yeah.

(Those of you who don't work in my office and/or live with Elman's mom might need a more elaborate translation... but I just don't have it in me to give it... suffice it to say, pizza=energy, and not just in the obvious eating-keeps-us-alive kind of way)

What else, what else.... Elman's List grew by leaps and bounds today. Once upon a time, Elman, oh Elman... He said the word "thighs." Without my permission, my cursed brain pictured the atrocity. And immediately, the list was born. Elman's list is comprised of words that musn't be ruined by his use of them. The list grew today when Elman said "jiggle," followed shortly by "homies." No Elman! No! Just.... just no. So today's additions include:

Jiggle
Homies
Spoon
Shooting Blanks (which, poor Elman, he said about 20 times without irony)

But, as I said, Elman was slightly decent today. He bought lunch. He said something nice to me... what was it? Oh! I let him keep "ponies," as badly as I wanted to put it on the list just to spite him. So, my reward: tomorrow, I get one less fat joke. Thank you, Elman. You are a prince among men. Really, how are you a 22 year old man living with your mom? It boggles the mind.

Ah, finally, the nerdiest thing of the day happened... at Lauren's own hand. Today I got my first glimpse of our blogger image, in which Lauren and I are D&D chicks. I was perplexed at first... I am not wearing glasses in my picture, so it couldn't have come from work. And then I realized. Myspace. Myyyyyyspace!!!!! You, Lauren, are walking a thin line. You're going to need some reeling in.

But still, I've learned a valuable lesson today, this Day of No Lauren. It was... it was... nerdy. It cannot happen again. Lauren! Do you need soup?! Do you need a blanket?! What do you need to get you back to work tomorrow?

A Lesson on Spam

Heidi and I get to sift through tons of spam on a daily basis. Some horrifyingly vulgar and others that were definitely written by an illiterate monkey. I suppose there aren't any literate monkeys, so fine, let's say the Elmans of the monkey species.

But then sometimes I see spam where the person is legitimately trying to sell something... that something always being Viagra... but just doesn't have the marketing skills to keep people from hitting the delete button.

What these spammers really need to consider here is who might be their target audience. Obviously men, and obviously ones who are on the computer frequently... so obviously NERDS! For all of you Viagra salesmen out there, here is a marketing tutorial for you.

Example #1: "Wake up your hot monster"
First of all, NEVER mention monsters because nerds will immediately think of boss battles and games like Dungeon & Dragons. Somehow I don't think this is what you were aiming at, was it?

Example #2: "Adults like big toys - especially women"
Let's be frank, nerds don't know a lot about women. Unless said nerd IS a woman. So in your carefully crafted subject line, the one word that sticks out is toy, resulting in a tragic misinterpretation of your offer. I repeat, TRAGIC.

Example #3: "Girls really like this enlarged"
Now you are really going to have to start being a lot more specific. By "this" do you mean enlarging one's action figure collection? Because as a girl, I can tell you I won't even LOOK at a guy without him having at least 100 Star Wars figurines!

Example #4: "You are not Brad Pitt but you have Viagra! It's better!"
Okay, you cannot just spam out the biggest lie you can come up with! Due to their lack of social skills, nerds tend to be a bit smarter than most and will see right through this. Plus, it's a well known fact that nerds are huge fanboys of Brad Pitt... mostly because everyone is, just look at that big hunk of man!

Example #5: "Power up your package"
I know, I know... all I have been doing is criticizing. Well, let's have an example of what a good spam looks like. In this one, you are less vague with "package" and to my knowledge there aren't any obvious nerd connections that might make this confusing. You also use the term "power up" which is nerd gold!

And so, Mr. Spammer, I wish you good luck in providing Viagra to the world. I also hope this mediation helps the nerds reach their full potential. Just keep them away from me.

It's Always Time for a Beating

So yesterday my mom's house was broken into and today I have a fever of a hundred and one. I think it is high time to introduce the therapeutic exercise of beating the crap out of a kid with a pink bear.

http://bakumori.com/

One of Heidi and my favorite sites to ever cross our path, make sure the volume is on for this one! And then get to beating. CLICK... DOUBLE CLICK...and repeat!

I suppose the only way this virtual beatdown could get any better is through a slight edit:

Shoryuken! Uppercut! Dragon Punch! Dammit Elman, why do you look like you are posing for the cover of Playboy? I swear, you ruin everything. And Heidi, please put me out of my misery already... I just used video game terminology and subjected the entire internet to a visual of Elman in Playboy. People will be out for blood...

A Dungeons & Dragons Shopping List

In some of the past posts, Heidi and I have mentioned a nerd game called Dungeons & Dragons. We have also mentioned our plans to crash one of these gatherings in the very near future. Now we can't go into this ill-prepared, so I have decided to make a shopping list. Yay! Shopping!

First of all we will need a nerd manual, something to guide us through this treacherous endeavor and mentally prepare us for the atrocities we might see:

Secondly, DICE! This is two pounds of rainbow nerdiness:


D&D Larping Costume. Oh yes, we are totally rolling up in these:


D&D Figurine. Our figurine will kicks your figurine's ass...and make them feel socially awkward:
Horribly ironic t-shirt. Yeah, like this combination EVER happens:

And of course, a pair of stolen D&D fuzzy dice from Elman's desk. Sorry Elman, sacrifices must be made:

I'm sure we are probably forgetting a couple things, like a keg of Mountain Dew, Weird Al jams, and our own self respect, but hey, we're just beginners. Let the shopping begin!

World of Nerdcraft

Hello Nerds and NonNerds... Please, please tell me there are some NonNerds out there... otherwise, this whole exercise just becomes too, too sad.

I have been saying to Lauren for a week now that I would get my blog on post haste... and where have I been? Waiting for inspiration. And then it hit me: porn. So as to be discreet about our jobs, I won't say much other than Lauren and I... we see porn at work. Lots of Porn -- so much that it deserves capitalization. Porn. We see so much porn that I know, though my back is to her, just which site it is Lauren has stumbled upon for the thousandth time based on the particular yelp it incites... "Damnit!" or "NO!!!!" means I spin around in my chair to see an old favorite on Lauren's screen every time. Today I saw something horrible (I'd love to share the domain, but I don't think we are looking for the kind of traffic that might promote). I squealed and my hand flew up to cover my screen while I searched blindly for that tiny little bubble that would close my browser... ah relief... Lauren, having spun around in her chair (see, it's not just me) asks for the domain, I tell her and she says "oh yeah" in that knowing way that means our lives are a living hell.

Wait, Heidi! Porn? Nerds? Do these things go together? Oh, they do. They Do. Enter, World of Whorecraft.

But first, a little background: World of Warcraft is a videogame... what's that called? a Massively Multiplayer Online Game. I don't know, it has something to do with computers... and servers... and nerds. There are oh, 10 people in my office who play World of Warcraft, or WoW if ya nasty. On Saturdays, while Lauren is a home sleeping off her late-night blogging, I am the only a) woman, b) non-nerd, and c) non-WoW player in the office. It. Kills. Me. Ten hours of chitchat about Paladins and Blood Elves. Ten hours of Quest planning and strategizing. Ten hours of.... it's ten hours, people. Add it up. Not too long ago, however, I discovered a little foothold into the world of WoW. A little glimmering ember that drew me toward it: WoW porn. LIVE action WoW porn. It was the marriage of two horrible worlds, WoW and LARP! What makes this a suitable topic of conversation for this particular blog is what follows.

World of Whorecraft (which, I'm told by a nerd, was unauthorized and resulted in the "actress" being banned from all WoW servers) is a tale as old as time: Elf (or something) needs a new cloak (or something), doesn't have cash, must find other means of paying. Classic. Now what makes this porn viewing experience different from all other "work-related porn" (how many of you can say that?) like, say, your typical Hobo Porn (true story), is the reaction elicited by nerds. My Nerds, on this wintery Saturday, revealed something to me both endearing and terrifying. They watched, yes, but were in it not for the hot Elf ass... but rather, for the hot WoW. Take, for example, the following exchage, which took place between two specimen of nerdocity when the Elf was engaged in battle with the (come on Heidi, you know this).... Ork?:

Day, Exterior. The Elf, engaged in battle, sees the Ork-thingy approach at a bumbling lope.
Nerd 1: He's going to kick her ass.
Nerd 2: She'd better bubble up!
Heidi: What does bubble up mea....
Heidi interupted by the Elf throwing up a bubble-shaped force field, stopping the baddy in his tracks.

Aaaaaaaaand scene.

Nerd gold.



I much prefer Hobo Porn. Lauren? Can I get an amen for Hobos? In fact, I might rather have my eyes burned out of my skull by the atrocity I saw today than to ever witness The Nerd in its natural Porn-itat again. Too, too frightening.

The Debut of the 2G1L Nerd Book Club

Every good nerd has tons and tons of books, some about computer programming, others intricate Dungeon & Dragon manuals. As the foremost experts in all things nerd, we introduce the 2 Girls 1 Larp Nerd Book Club. For your reading pleasure this month:

Gone with the Nerd is a classic romance about a Hollywood actress and her taboo fling with a nerd, where she learns brains might have some worth over muscles and social skills. This sounds all well and good, but where in this great land have you ever found a nerd that looks like that dude on the cover!? Now do you think that if Heidi and I knew there was a guy like this under one of those demon elf larping costumes, that we would be here blogging? We'd be out in those woods in a second, tracking his ass down!

My second problem with this book is that it only got a three and a half star rating on Amazon.com. Really? Just look at its key phrases and there will be no mistaking that this book is literary genius:

The top key phrase is, ahem... Long Shaft. Enough said.

Now as I am sure this book will become one of your favorites, you will be excited to know it is part of a series.

Other recommended reading includes:

• The Nerd Who Loved Me
• Nerd Gone Wild
• Nerds Like it Hot
• Nerd in Shining Armor
• My Nerdy Valentine

Is it just me, or is this verging on nerd porn? Anyway, make sure to hurry up and get your copy because Amazon claims there is only one left in stock. Of course you can always just buy it used for $.01. It will be a penny well spent:

http://www.amazon.com/Gone-Nerd-Vicki-Lewis-Thompson/dp/0312998589

Now what is this "larping" you speak of?

It has come to my attention that people outside my workplace who have looked at this blog have one similar burning question. No, it's not a question of whether Heidi and I have contemplated suicide with the harsh reality of coming to work every morning and seeing ELMAN. Instead, it's the most important question of all, what IS larping!? For shame people, how can you not know of the breathtaking social phenomenon that is the larp. Well, just for you, I will explain, and there is no better way to do so than through a picture:

And again, just in case you can't quite grasp what we're dealing with here:

So you remember when you were little and you wanted to be a magician, so you made a makeshift cape out of a bedsheet, fashioned a wand out of a cooking utensil, and stuffed old Peter Rabbit in your dad's hat? Now thanks to larping, those days can live on!

LARP is short for Live Action Role Playing. Participants dress up as a chosen character, and then perform as their character in small or large groups of other larpers. There are several types of larps, in some you can be vampires, in others you can be knights. Each have their own rules... none of which I know because, please, you think I've been in the woods with a bunch of these crazies?

So then, let's let them speak for themselves. Observe, a larper interaction on a World of Warcraft forum:

Oh yes, Thaurissan, I'm sure you are quite right about what ratio of mushrooms AND booze is required.

Anyhow, Heidi and I have made mention of infiltrating one of these larping groups in Seattle, for observation purposes and the good of this blog of course, but is the risk too much Heidi? Our future awaits:

Then again, we should be thankful for small things as our fates could be far, FAR worse, and we could look like Elman's girlfriend.

Link of the Day

Monday mornings are always horrifying but thanks to the link Heidi left me from her discoveries over the weekend, it's hard to say if things got better or worse. For the men in your life, we introduce:

http://slickitup.com/

Some useful information from the FAQ:

• Items shipped "VERY discretely".
• Sad you can't try it on in the store? Well who needs that when they describe it so well: "All the materials have a super sexy feeling black spandex inside which feels incredible on your skin, this also makes powder unnecessary as your body will pour into the gear with no sticking or hair pulling!"
• "Who is that hot female model?" Oh please, who are you kidding, that's the last thing on your mind.
  
  Let me guess, you haven't started shopping yet. Well let me just show you what you are missing!

The manufacturer has thought ahead, including a double center zipper, two nipple zippers, a mouth zipper and a large butt zipper! Available in a slimming black, it is perfectly claustraphobic for winter and all those vents make it a great look for summer too. Hold on, is that guy licking someone's shoe? That's it, I'm grossed out.

The Beginning of My Nerd Education

Lord help me Heidi... my nerdiness continues from the comfort of my own home. You would think my abundance of Sex and the City dvds or Macy's 20% off coupons might keep me occupied for the weekend, but no, the nerd world continues to beckon.

Oh yes, in fact, I registered my first domain over the weekend. AND it redirects to this blog, ta-da!

http://www.twogirlsonelarp.com/

As it turns out, nerds are marketing geniuses! So that I don't have any creepers finding my address and phone number through a Whois, GoDaddy charges damn near as much as the domain cost to make that information private. It was well worth it I suppose... if I find a larping troll at my doorstep, I am going to be displeased.

Oh, but guess who didn't spend the extra bucks on his domain? And guess who did a Whois and found the precise location of the D&D dungeon master's casa? YUP, this guy:

Yes, I am a nerd detective and the shame is overwhelming. On to a new subject...

So one of Heidi and my plans is to compile a nerd dictionary of sorts. And through my domain registering experience, I found one of these foreign words so fortuitously placed under related searches on my parked page:

BOFFER: Well this has just got to be one of the many insults guys throw around to demean each other's masculinity right? Oh no, Wikipedia has informed me it is actually a foam or latex weapon used in LARPING.

Intrigued by this new addition to my vocabulary, I wanted to see these foam swords in action, and OH DID I:

Thank you Google for making this one of the first boffer images I found, and subsequently burning out my retinas. I retire.

The Cake of All Cakes

So despite our extreme dislike of Elman, we still got him a birthday cake. Mostly because of the cake aspect: Cake plus nerdy bane of our existence still equals CAKE!:

SIDE NOTE: I apologize to the hopeful D&D baker at Fred Meyers. I know you were really excited to meet your D&D soul mate coming to retrieve this cake masterpiece, but in reality I don't want to know about your Sunday D&D afternoons, nor do I want you visualizing me in the slutty outfit that I have been bestowed in this D&D world. If you would like to visualize slutty Elman however, that can be arranged.... that armor is removable right Wes? Oh man, I just vomited in my mouth a little... scratch that, A LOT.

And to Heidi: I am so sorry I have abandoned you on blog day #2 of our maiden voyage to nerdity, however I will be spending all weekend plotting how to crash Elman's D&D party. We know Elman is a elitist nerd, but dammit when we show up with our elfish mage battlestar galactica luke skywalker figurines, he won't be able to deny us entry. Oh yes Elman, prepare to bow down, guess who is going to be Dungeon Master 2.0....

In honor of Elman's Birthday

Like we said before, this is our arch nemesis. He needs no introduction:

The Intro: From Heidi & Lauren

Lauren (a.k.a. Beast Machine):

As I was sitting in the company bathroom, I was contemplating how to start this blog off.... (and yes, I was sitting... contrary to popular belief there are live breathing girls in the nerd paradise of internet security). In fact, in this office, about 75% of this girl population can be seen in their native habitat during the day.

Every week I arrive to the "Cantina" of computer magic... oh my god, I just referenced Star Wars and magic in the same sentence. See, this is why we created this blog, the longer and longer we work here, the more of the nerdiness seeps in and the less of our sanity remains.

Not unlike the comic books we hear about day in and day out, our arch nemesis is a creature named Elman. I won't delve into the properties that make this terrifying Puerto Rican nerd amalgam at this current moment, but suffice it to say he is the driving force behind what scares us about becoming nerds in the first place.

My coworker Heidi and I are the last shining beacons of normalcy in a world ruled by larping, LAN parties, and World of Warcraft. This blog is to document the treasure trove of nerd insanity that we experience everyday... be scared.


Heidi (a.k.a. TheCatLady, a.k.a Footlong):

Two things happened today to make me realize that I have gotten dangerously close to the edge:

First, Lauren gasped in horror when I uttered the words "you've gotta give props to Weird Al" and meant it.

Second, this was my most recent search:







I'm becoming a nerd and I'm pissed about it.

Not all of us can be nerd geniuses, so for your reference purposes we have provided a glossary of terms we use often. Some terms will have links to the blogs that go into the subject with more detail. Study up!

Bawls: a high caffeine energy drink designed for gamers. The carbonated drink is often associated with LAN parties, and offers several flavors.

Blood Elf: one of the races in World of Warcraft. The females are known to be sexiest of them all.

Boffer: a foam or latex weapon used in larping. Usually in the form of a sword or axe, the foam allows you to beat the crap out of your enemy without causing harm.

ComicCon: a 4 day expo in San Diego dedicated to all things comic book related.

D20: a 20 sided polyhedral die used in Dungeons & Dragons. You roll a 1 and consider yourself a loser.

Draenei: a race in World of Warcraft. Often distinguishable by their large tails.

Drow: used in D&D and WoW, an evil blood elf.

Druid: a class in World of Warcraft, a shape shifting hybrid class

Dungeons & Dragons: a roleplaying game played on a grid with dice and sometimes figurines. Always played in a group and led by designated Dungeon Master

Elman: our arch nemesis. An extreme Puerto Rican nerd.

"Fail": an action that is so completely unsuccessful it just might imply awesomeness.

Fanboy: a person who is obsessed with one subject in particular. Ex. Apple Products

Halfling: humanoid race in D&D, hobbits in The Lord of the Rings

LAN: Local Area Network. LAN parties involve groups of people getting together with their computers to play multiplayer games.

LARP: Live Action Role Playing. Role playing where participants physically act out the game by dressing up and becoming the character. There are several themes such as medieval and futuristic.

Magic the Gathering: a card game where cards are collected and used in magic battles. There is now an online version.

Min-maxing: playing a game with the intent to minimize unimportant traits and maximizing desirable traits.

MMORPG: massively multiplayer online role playing game such as World of Warcraft.

Noob: a clueless newcomer to online gaming or Internet activity. Often a derogatory term.

Orc: a race in WoW and Lord of the Rings. Portrayed as warriors, sometimes evil.

Paladin: a hybrid class in WoW. Considered to be holy knights, and can provide blessings that protect other players.

Pwned: humiliation of a rival, used primarily in the Internet gaming culture to taunt an opponent who has just been soundly defeated

Stormtrooper: soldiers in Star Wars.

Troll: a race in WoW. Extremely large in size and strength.

Watchmen: a graphic novel published in the mid 1980's by DC Comics.

World of Warcraft (W0W): a fantasy MMORPG with 11.5 million monthly subscribers.

In this section, we will document what our future plans will be. Want to know when our first larping excursion is going to happen? Because obviously you want to come with us? Those kind of dates will be posted here.

Nerd Excursions:

April 10th-12th: Seattle Sakura-Con 2009 Convention
April 12th: A Nerd Easter
May 2nd: Free Comic Book Day
May 8th: Premiere of Star Trek
May 21st: Terminator Salvation Premiere
May 29th-31st: Magic the Gathering Grand Prix- Tacoma Convention Center
July 15th: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Premiere

Also, ideas for future posts will be here. Feel free to leave a comment letting us know something you think we should check out. We warn you however, whatever you inspire us to research may very well end up in us mocking it. But then that's the fun isn't it?

Future Nerd Research:

Cosplay
Dungeons & Dragons
Magic Cards

Introduction

2 Girls 1 Larp was created by 2 girls (obviously) who were looking for an outlet away from their workplace. This workplace was one like they had never seen before. With nerds around every corner, conversations about things they never knew existed, and oppressed by a boss creature named Elman, these 2 girls needed a place to forever document the horrible results of venturing into computer security. Here begins the battle of good versus evil. And yeah, we're the good ones, if that wasn't already clear.

Girl #1: Lauren Larp

I declared early in life that computers and I weren't friends. Now I find myself working 10 hours a day behind two computer screens, screaming obsenities I didn't realize I knew and then coming home to slave over this blog. My skin is getting paler, my eyes more beady, and my mind more warped. This can only end fabulously.

Favorite Nerd Movie: Starship Troopers
Favorite Nerd Book: Gone with the Nerd
Favorite Nerd Topic: World of Warcraft/ Nerd Fashion

Girl #2: HeiD&D

The Villian: Elman

Elman is the arch nemesis of this story. Embodying pure evil, this sloth/man hybrid is our boss (and no I'm not talking a video game boss). He is the entity that Heidi and I must battle against on a daily basis. His aliases include King of the Nerds, Dungeon Master, and Failman. One day we hope to defeat him, but until then we are learning his nerd ways in hopes to use them against him in the final battle.