A Lesson on Spam

Heidi and I get to sift through tons of spam on a daily basis. Some horrifyingly vulgar and others that were definitely written by an illiterate monkey. I suppose there aren't any literate monkeys, so fine, let's say the Elmans of the monkey species.

But then sometimes I see spam where the person is legitimately trying to sell something... that something always being Viagra... but just doesn't have the marketing skills to keep people from hitting the delete button.

What these spammers really need to consider here is who might be their target audience. Obviously men, and obviously ones who are on the computer frequently... so obviously NERDS! For all of you Viagra salesmen out there, here is a marketing tutorial for you.

Example #1: "Wake up your hot monster"
First of all, NEVER mention monsters because nerds will immediately think of boss battles and games like Dungeon & Dragons. Somehow I don't think this is what you were aiming at, was it?

Example #2: "Adults like big toys - especially women"
Let's be frank, nerds don't know a lot about women. Unless said nerd IS a woman. So in your carefully crafted subject line, the one word that sticks out is toy, resulting in a tragic misinterpretation of your offer. I repeat, TRAGIC.

Example #3: "Girls really like this enlarged"
Now you are really going to have to start being a lot more specific. By "this" do you mean enlarging one's action figure collection? Because as a girl, I can tell you I won't even LOOK at a guy without him having at least 100 Star Wars figurines!

Example #4: "You are not Brad Pitt but you have Viagra! It's better!"
Okay, you cannot just spam out the biggest lie you can come up with! Due to their lack of social skills, nerds tend to be a bit smarter than most and will see right through this. Plus, it's a well known fact that nerds are huge fanboys of Brad Pitt... mostly because everyone is, just look at that big hunk of man!

Example #5: "Power up your package"
I know, I know... all I have been doing is criticizing. Well, let's have an example of what a good spam looks like. In this one, you are less vague with "package" and to my knowledge there aren't any obvious nerd connections that might make this confusing. You also use the term "power up" which is nerd gold!

And so, Mr. Spammer, I wish you good luck in providing Viagra to the world. I also hope this mediation helps the nerds reach their full potential. Just keep them away from me.