The Worst Chair of Them All

As I'm sure you've realized by now, Heidi and I work with computers. Our butts toil away in front of a computer screen 40 hours a week. These last couple weeks however, something threatened to break our usual routine. What was it you ask? Funk. Unadulterated unidentifiable unbelievable FUNK. We considered the possibility that perhaps our bathing rituals had fallen short. Perhaps the stress of being damn near comatose while clicking a mouse 10 hours a day had caused our Secret anti-perspirant to fail us. But then it became clear.

We started to analyze and calculate. All of a sudden we looked down. Wait a second. These chairs that had been cradling our butts, had in fact been cradling other butts. Nerd butts. 24 hours a day... for years! Traitors!! As our skin began to recoil, we realized we must verify our theory. I slowly lowered my nose to the armrest, and my projectile vomit reflex was automatically activated. Luckily for Heidi I staggered back quickly enough to get the nerd butt out of my nose.

While Heidi wishes she could provide you with a screenshot of the stink so that you can share in our journey, instead we have to carry this burden alone. This stink is an entity. Once you think you've escaped, oh no, it is still there. In fact, it followed Heidi home, dormant in her new jeans until she sat on her own pristine couch, and the stink emerged, doubled in force.

And so, it order to lessen the trauma Heidi and I have endured so recently, we are on the quest to find a new, slightly less stinky chair. And here is what we have found:

The Three Headed Sheep Chair

Hmm, well I suppose the three sheep no longer have butts so that minimizes the stink factor.

The Jabba the Hutt Bean Bag Chair

The chair has actual armpits. Still, I'm voting less stinky.

The Versatile Living Nerd Chair

A nerd strapped to your ass, what an interesting concept. I suppose I could hose him down ever so often so yes, less stinky.

The In Utero Chair

Based on the fact you can never leave this chair, it probably gets pretty ripe in there. Then again, it looks like it has some good air flow going. Definitely less stinky.

The For Shame Chair

Alright, FAIL. There is a great possibility that this chair is stinkier... far stinkier. Goddamn it Heidi, who would have thought it could get worse?