4Chan: The Birthplace of Creepy Chan

I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoy pointless reality TV drivel. In fact, Heidi and I are both avid followers of America's Next Top Model despite Tyra Banks striking fear into us mere mortals. On this season of Top Model, we discovered that a certain contestant hails from one of the nerdiest hubs on the Internet, 4Chan.org.

4Chan is a virtual bulletin board where people can post all types of images and interact with other users. However don't get too excited just yet because most of the images are anime and manga, of the porn variety, otherwise known as hentai. Their /b/ section has been aptly described as "the asshole of the Internet" (something you will see A LOT of should you visit the site). Now hold your horses before you go running over there. You might be intrigued, but seriously, please prepare yourself mentally. I ventured in all happy go lucky and have come out a severely scarred shell of my former self. YUP, bestiality is alive and well. /CRY.

The majority of posts involve perverted little nerds revealing what type of anime porn they enjoy, like say tranny anime porn, and then other perverted nerds scour their hard drives for such images and present them to the first nerd. I mean, really? How would you like to one day realize that you are officially a dealer in amputee furry porn? Looking on the brighter side, in my first 5 minutes I also found some epic non porn images:

Ninja Nerd: That hole is 2 centimeters from making this image x-rated... and SO not in a good way.

Makeup Nerd: It's not polite to point at the freaks/geeks

Nerdy the Pooh: Damn Pooh, lay off the honey already.


Anyway, back to my original point. A girl dubbed Creepy Chan is now a contestant on Top Model. In her first introduction she revealed that her hobby, aside from being a 4chan goddess, is nose bleeds. She looks like she's the love child of a possessed porcelain doll and a soul sucking alien but nevertheless, Heidi and I are totally rooting for the queen of the nerds. Besides, she is truly providing a public service announcement to the nerd population on the merits of highlights and hygiene. Just look at that before and after.  Tune in at 8PM on Wednesdays to support Creepy Chan's quest for model stardom.

The New Star Trek: A Future Nerd Blockbuster

Today the Internet was all abuzz with talk about the upcoming Star Trek movie. I must say that when we saw the preview before Watchmen, I was definitely intrigued. And this might be why:

Reason 1: The Younger Hotter Captain Kirk

First of all, this is how little I know about Star Trek. I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of this dude... Kurt, Ken, Kirby? Ahh yes, Captain Kirby. There is no arguing that the new Captain is a hot piece of ass compared to the original version.

Reason 2: The Star Trek Movie Website

It's not good that 5 minutes on the Star Trek movie website turned me into a full fledged Star Trek nerdling. I mean, hot damn, you can look at models of the Enterprise, pretend you are actually in the Starship, watch previews, and even put your own face on Spock in the mosaic section. I came seconds away from adding a Star Trek skin to this here fancy blog of ours.

Starship Models

Mosaics

Main Website

Reason 3: An Excuse to Master the Vulcan Salute

So the movie comes out May 8th. Heidi, that gives us a solid month to really get down the Vulcan Salute AND track down some spock ears which we obviously have to wear to the movie theater. Plus, we can continue to use said ears should we go larping as elves or during D&D battles at Elman's house.


Look at this Rabbi throw down the Vulcan, we certainly have a lot of work to do.

|337 5p34k- Wait, huh?

Today children, please open your Nerd Lifestyles Manual to chapter 7 on Leet Speak. This ancient language of the nerds was created in the 1980's for the purpose of... well... complicated nerd reasons like hacking and gaming and furthering one's lack of a social life.

At first glance, leet speak appears to have no greater purpose than making the English language ten times harder to read. I mean, really, do you know what I am saying here?

"W3 I1k3 b16 bIu3 5chI0n6 4nd my573r10u5 p00."

Although, I guess that statement generally goes without saying, for those of you who don't understand my message and are lacking the secret decoder ring, you can go to this website. Fear not, you will now be able to communicate on a superior nerd level:

THE NERD TRANSLATOR

After a little further research, the underlying purpose for leet speak made itself known. Of course it led back to what everything leads back to, our dear friend PORN! Should you one, find yourself in a chat room in the near future and two, have someone message you "A/S/L?", watch the hell out because you've taken a wrong turn into a minefield of lonely nerds.

Nerds are infamous porn experts and so in order to get their jollies, they had to devise a plan to get past content filters. By spelling porn with a leet spin or Pr0n, nerds can get nasty on the down low. I feel I can truly identify with this desire. Identify THIS:

B====D

Today, I bow to the genius of the nerd.

April Fools- A Nerd Holiday

I never really thought much about April 1st. In elementary school, April Fools meant breaking out the whoopie cushion, but I figured in our adult world, we had moved on.

However, being the mischievous little vermin that they are, nerds the world over have adopted this day to wreak havoc on the rest of us. Not physical havoc.. obviously... but with the one weapon they can truly use against us, the Internet.

Companies infested with nerds like Google and Expedia decided to get a little creative. How about flipping YouTube upside down so the poor non-nerds were led to panic.

Or the Conficker worm, set to bring down the Internet on April 1st. Most definitely created by some nerds in Russia to piss us normal humans off when all we want to do is order some Pizza Hut online.

The most confusing of all this April Foolery is something called The Rick Roll. Used as an April Fool's joke in 2008 by YouTube, one is linked to a horrifying video of some dude named Rick Astley crooning "Never Gonna Give You Up."


Yeah, it's a horrible song from the 80's but I believe the true injustice of sending someone this link is subjecting them to this king of the nerds. Just look at him, I would have an easier time believing Elman as an 80's pop star... as I'm pretty sure spandex and neon colors would come naturally to him.

You totally know I was going to include a Rick Roll link here, but at this point I have Rick Roll'd myself about 5 times, and I can't fathom seeing that ginger bastard ever again. And so I leave you with this:

Not A Rick Roll

Link of the Day: Not James Bond

My dear friend Heidi came across the following website a few months back. I made sure to save it my Google Documents Nerd Folder for the day when I could expose the masses to an individual that rivals Elman in nerdocity. (Make sure you have your speakers on for full effect.)

NotJamesBond.com

In fact, this little fellow could be Elman's long lost cracker brother. The peach fuzz on his upper lip, and the glasses... I mean, they might as well be twins. And our Not James Bond is just kind enough to describe himself in brutal truthful detail.

"People are always getting me mixed up with James Bond. My mom tried to tell me it's because I'm handsome and there's been so many people play him over the
years that it's just an easy mistake. I'm not dumb, I can't even get girls and
everybody knows it."

First of all, he brings up his mom in his second sentence. I mean, what the hell is this, is there some sort of Elman factory around here I'm not aware of? That vapid stare is just unmistakable.

Nerd Wedding Expo 2009

My new job adventure has allowed me to be present during several weddings but so far I find myself bored because they are just so damn generic. I am sadly used to having nerd on the regular, and so now my twisted mind has done an expansive search to find the best nerd weddings in history.

It pretty much goes without saying that nerds marry other nerds. I mean really, you aren't going to meet Heidi Klum at a Star Trek convention. The nerd love timeline goes something like this: nerds meet online, or at D&D or while larping, fall into nerd love, marry other nerd in ridiculous ceremony and create nerd babies. This explains the exponential rise in nerd sitings in recent years. You'd think being a nerd would be birth control enough, but alas, no.

Wedding season is coming up, so for all you people out there getting ready to walk down the aisle, get ready to take notes, because I welcome you to Nerd Wedding Expo 2009:

The Star Wars Wedding:
To my future husband: We WILL have a Yoda ring bearer and we WILL have a Chewbacca minister. Well, I guess that eliminates any chance of me getting married... unless it's to a nerd. Gah.

The Star Trek Wedding: That white wedding dress is really bringing down the unbelievable nerdiness of this wedding photo. I'm sure the Starship Enterprise pimped out limo is on its way though.

The Apple Wedding: One question, why!?

The Ninja Wedding: I'm not going to lie, I would hire a ninja to steal cake too.

The Video Game Wedding: Clearly that woman has been drugged. One, she doesn't look like a nerd, and two, she has a video game console cake on her big day and looks happy about it.

The Hello Kitty Wedding: Oh the pastel horror!

The I Don't Quite Know What is Going on Here Wedding: ...but I know it's something nerdy. Man, these are some couples made in nerd heaven.

A New Breed: The Sports Nerd

Little did you know it, but there are different classes of Nerd. While Heidi and I are mostly exposed to the traditional nerd variety, we have also been subjected to another breed, the Sports Nerd. The NCAA Tournament is a happy time for this class, when they create these complicated little graph things called brackets in hopes of foretelling the future and winning... nerd respect. Wait. Respect? I thought there was money in this deal.

Heidi and I weren't just going to sit around and not experience this nerd spectacle, so we have created our own bracket, completely based on outfits and mascots... and of course the hotness of the men. Yeah, we missed the parts before the Sweet Sixteen Battle, but we just didn't have enough time to fairly judge all the team's color coordination and ratio of hot players to ugly ones.

After our intense analysis, we decided to pick the Syracuse Oranges for ultimate victory in this epic battle. I mean look at that fat little bastard, his athletic prowess and orange glow is guaranteed to win this for us. Otto the Orange is everything we wish we could be, round and....

"For the record, Lauren, I picked the Boilermakers because of their supergay mascot. My people have to stick together, you know? But I decided to let you pick the Oranges (or whatever) as the Ultimate Basketballing Champions (UBC) because at least we're still rooting for a fruit." -Heidi

Granted, those tight little shorts almost won it for them Heidi but Otto isn't even wearing any pants. So just you watch us sports nerds, we don't need any useless stats, or rosters... or to have ever even watched this thing you call basketball. We feel one with this orange.

Make sure you look here for updates on our progress. This crusade continues on until April 6th when we will be sure to be given the first place blue nerd ribbon.

UPDATE 3/27:

Well forget April 6th, Heidi and I are so good at bracketing, that we are done already. Oh that's right, with 20% accuracy, we now declare ourselves psychics. Our fat orange friend has forsaken us, and failed... miserably. You know, I don't blame the fact that we didn't consult statistics, or read up on the Orange coaching. I truly blame US for completely overlooking the heinous outfits these guys were sporting, all because that damn orange and his no pants distracted us.

They are wearing bright orange sweatbands for godsake. Well, we live and learn. Next year I'm sure we'll be better, right Heidi? All you pantsless mascots better check yourselves.

The Final Tally:

The Case of the Mysterious Poo: Part #2... literally

This morning, I suddenly remembered I had important news to share with Heidi. "Oh my god Heidi, you won't believe what I saw yesterday. I was walking back from the bank and as I climbed the stairs outside our building and I hit the first landing, out of the corner of my eye, I detected something familiar. Poopily familiar. I gave it a quick once over and then realized that it must just be a large rotting banana, it was sitting on a brown lunch sack after all. I mean, there's just no way it could have been another poop, but isn't it funny that that's the first thing I thought of?!"

Heidi's eyes got large as repressed memory came flooding back. She informed me that is was most certainly NOT a rotting banana and she had photographic evidence to prove it. She also realized she had forgotten to send me the following email over the weekend sounding the warning... and for this mistake I paid dearly on Monday morning.

Yes, in fact the poo-fairy had visited us again. And this time she left us a doozy. So big that when I saw it, my mind couldn't register the sheer magnitude of the situation and demanded I see banana instead of poo.


(Faithful readers, I am only providing you a picture of what I thought I saw as we have already subjected you to one poo too many, but damn that was one GIGANTIC "banana". Please refer to The Case of the Mysterious Poo Part 1 should you like a reminder of why you don't want to see the uncensored version.)

As Elman listened to our conversation he linked us to http://www.poopsenders.com/, and it was obvious that his guilt had become too much. After investigating, we realized that Poop Senders allows you to send up to a gallon of cow, elephant or gorilla poo to someone you seek revenge on. Elman, knowing that everyone that has ever met him seeks revenge on him for such a horrible experience, was silently letting us know that this time next week we would all be knee deep in Elman revenge poo.

And so to all you revenge poop senders, we implore you, for the children... and really for whoever has been cleaning up these poo presents, find alternate means of revenge! At least hit him where it hurts. Our gallon of gorilla poo has been ordered and is scheduled for home delivery to one Dungeon Master Elman. To Elman: Suck It. Love, Heidi and Lauren

The Nerd Curse

Before being employed in the nerd world, my life involved very infrequent interactions with nerds. But now that I'm immersed, it's as though I've become a magnetic field for all things geeky.

Take for example, the first day of my new part time job. Originally intended to supplement my income in a crappy economy, and oh, get me out from behind a computer screen, this job had all sorts of potential... until of course the first day.

As a liaison for events such as weddings, memorial services and receptions, it would be expected that I might run into all sorts of people. But why OH why must my first encounter have been a nerd family reunion!?

In walks Doogie Howser, a Nintendo mini backpack flung over one shoulder. You know, sort of like a fanny pack yet somehow worse. As he proudly walks by, wouldn't you know it, Doogie trips over his own damn feet. As he tumbles, all of a sudden a whirl of color clatters across the floor. He quickly grasps his beloved, looks up at me, and reveals what treasure has fallen from his pocket. "My Rubik's Cube," he declares with glee in his eyes. SIGH.


Don't let me get started on his cousin, forced into a dress for the first time in her life, yet somehow allowed to show up in public with black socks and sandals to match her formal wear. Let me not forget to tell you how much more disturbing it was that she developed a strong kinship to me... because really, what does that say about my nerd level? My idea of a good first day on the job was not being backed into a corner by a 85 pound self-declared high school nerd queen. Turns out, debilitating social awkwardness and Ritalin are one mean combination. My horror filled expression had no chance of saving me.

I am cursed. I see NERDS. I'm just going to have to accept this cruel fate. I will be sure to let you know when the nerd Apocalypse begins. However, you better start stockpiling those Rubik's cubes now.

The Worst Chair of Them All

As I'm sure you've realized by now, Heidi and I work with computers. Our butts toil away in front of a computer screen 40 hours a week. These last couple weeks however, something threatened to break our usual routine. What was it you ask? Funk. Unadulterated unidentifiable unbelievable FUNK. We considered the possibility that perhaps our bathing rituals had fallen short. Perhaps the stress of being damn near comatose while clicking a mouse 10 hours a day had caused our Secret anti-perspirant to fail us. But then it became clear.

We started to analyze and calculate. All of a sudden we looked down. Wait a second. These chairs that had been cradling our butts, had in fact been cradling other butts. Nerd butts. 24 hours a day... for years! Traitors!! As our skin began to recoil, we realized we must verify our theory. I slowly lowered my nose to the armrest, and my projectile vomit reflex was automatically activated. Luckily for Heidi I staggered back quickly enough to get the nerd butt out of my nose.

While Heidi wishes she could provide you with a screenshot of the stink so that you can share in our journey, instead we have to carry this burden alone. This stink is an entity. Once you think you've escaped, oh no, it is still there. In fact, it followed Heidi home, dormant in her new jeans until she sat on her own pristine couch, and the stink emerged, doubled in force.

And so, it order to lessen the trauma Heidi and I have endured so recently, we are on the quest to find a new, slightly less stinky chair. And here is what we have found:

The Three Headed Sheep Chair

Hmm, well I suppose the three sheep no longer have butts so that minimizes the stink factor.

The Jabba the Hutt Bean Bag Chair

The chair has actual armpits. Still, I'm voting less stinky.

The Versatile Living Nerd Chair

A nerd strapped to your ass, what an interesting concept. I suppose I could hose him down ever so often so yes, less stinky.

The In Utero Chair

Based on the fact you can never leave this chair, it probably gets pretty ripe in there. Then again, it looks like it has some good air flow going. Definitely less stinky.

The For Shame Chair

Alright, FAIL. There is a great possibility that this chair is stinkier... far stinkier. Goddamn it Heidi, who would have thought it could get worse?

The Watchmen Review

I'd seen the previews. Comic book nerds running around in crazy latex outfits. In theory Watchmen looked to be a comic book trainwreck but out of dedication to our nerd blog, Heidi and I took the fateful journey to the movie theater. Of course we had an anonymous nerd in tow (NOT Elman), just in case something flashed on the screen that required further explanation. Like, for example, a giant blue wiener.



Yes, that's right. The centerpiece of Watchmen is Dr. Manhattan's junk. Just imagine... this movie is 2 hours and 43 minutes long. Bam! Wiener! Bam! Schlong! Bam Bam! Gah, he did a twirl!

So here now, I am going to provide a review from someone who never read the book. That perspective will later be told by Heidi. Despite having very little background on the story, I thought the movie set up the characters quite well. I actually liked Silk Spectre when typically female superheroes seem to just be included to look slutty. She was smart, strong and identifiable to the average human female in her struggles with her Dr. Manhattan relationship.

Another highlight of the movie was the ridiculous amount of blood and gore. It was damn near the levels of a horror movie, with Heidi and I turning away from the screen with disturbed and nauseated looks on our face. Then we would look back and find our beloved blue, and all would be right again with the world.

As I hear from those who read the book, the ending is drastically different. However, I thought the ending of the movie was really well thought out and brought up an interesting point about defining good versus evil. As you all well know, we deal with evil on a daily basis. All Heidi and I really need now are those thigh high Silk Spectre boots so we can stomp Elman on the regular.

We aren't full blown nerds yet... (oh god, someone please back us up on this one)... however I LOVED this movie. Heidi, we should go again, this time to IMAX. First because 3D schlong is always better than 2D, and secondly because we can dress up and subsequently terrify the entire Puget Sound area.

--Lauren

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lauren, I couldn't agree more. IMAX, here we come. The nerds around the office know how much love we have for Dr. Manhattan and all the glory of Big Blue. I'm pretty sure Steven's resignation letter is already typed up, pained as he is at the mere mention of our beloved. And yes, folks, it's quite often that Lauren and I bring it up. Why? Because we're slutty hobags who can't get enough of the blue stuff? Partially, yes. But come on. If you've seen the movie you know that Big Blue is the main character. This little guy carries the movie. Sure there's violence aplenty, blood and gore stuck to every surface. Certainly there is the human element in the love story that builds between two once washed-up, but now again-relevant, costume heroes. And, um.... there's a Giant Blue SuperHuman Penis. Alright, people. It's huge. So we might as well talk about it.

This is one seriously Hollywood-with-a-capital-H penis. If you've read the graphic novel, you know that Dr. Manhattan is naked, yes, but woefully under-endowed. It's an understated, almost sad kind of Blue. In fact, Blue is all ball in the book:


The movie, Hollywood to the core, replaces Little Boy Blue with Babe the Blue Ox. Witness:

(For the record, yeah, I stole this image, and yeah, I covered up the watermark.... and YEAH, the watermark was in the shape of a GIANT BLUE PENIS. Jesus.)

Yeah, I could go on to grab screencaps of Dan and Laurie and of their respective Nite Owl and Silk Spectre II.... I could compare their book-to-movie transformations, lamenting or praising where necessary. But what's the point? I mean... Sure, the director actually did a decent job, in my mind, of bringing to life the characters I got to know in the book. Dan was acceptably nerdy and sad, whilst maintaining just enough Nerd sex appeal to explain Laurie's slide from Big Blue to Sad Dan. Laurie's Silk Spectre was as hot as you wanted her to be in spandex and latex; it was the 80's, folks, and Laurie rocked it like she meant it. There wasn't much to complain about... except the incessant flopping around of Big Blue.

Yes, Lauren and I nervously giggled at its introduction. Our first joint penis sighting... Eek! how should we proceed? After brushing that first giggle aside, though, I was prepared to settle in to a movie full of tea-service-blocking-the-boobies shots, a la:


The first shot, actually, exactly matched the book's introduction of Dr. Manhattan:


Nice and modest. But after that.... hold on to your hats, folks. I hope you like to cook out because we're talking three hour sausage fest. I had no real problem with it. I mean, if you had superpowers, you'd make sure Blue was on point too. I only had to call bullshit once, and that was when Blue made his way to Antarctica. We've all seen that episode of Seinfeld. Where was the shrinkage? It was ANTARCTICA.

All in all, though, I have to admit, my Watchmen experience was amazing. From that first humiliating day, walking into the bookstore, pushing my glasses up on the bridge of my nose, and asking for the graphic novels section. And now, a few short weeks later, I have come full circle. I've read the book. I've seen the movie... and thanks to Lauren's endless generosity (and possibly a bit of an evil streak), I am now the proud owner of a Watchmen T-shirt and fuck yeah, I'm wearing it to work tomorrow. Best. Birthday. Present. Ever. Lauren entered a Hot Topic for me and made a purchase. That's love.... and really, isn't that what Watchmen is really about?

Wait, what WAS Watchmen about?

OH! Schlong.

--heidi

World of Datecraft

I have had quite a few friends dabble in the world of online dating. Eharmony for the marriage minded, JDate for the Jewish, and Adult Friend Finder for the frisky. However this last week I discovered an online dating site that shook me to the core... and I'm pretty sure the shaking was in result of the uncontrollable laughter/crying.

I now introduce to you the culmination of two beautiful yet horrifying worlds. Nerd boning and World of Warcraft. Should you be so lucky as to be single and have a fetish for elves, paladins, druids or any disturbing combination of the three, I have found your mecca. You should now immediately go to http://www.datecraft.com/.

If instead you are fearful of what you might find... or more realistically, you are afraid that someone might see you visit such a site and the shame might prove too much, I will provide you with a crossection of their dating database in order to facilitate your journey to nerd lovin'.

Nerd Muffin #1:

Overcompensating much Mr. Obscenely Big Sword? We all know size matters, but you have taken it one blond wig too far. I can't say that bulging pasty bicep doesn't intrigue me though.

Nerd Muffin #2:

Right back at ya you nerdy Elvis Guido. Imagine, after a couple of weeks of romantic IM-ing and erotic WoW raids, you decide to meet your online Romeo in person. The knock comes at the door, you passionately throw the door open, and are blinded by a nerd in an oversized white pant suit. Your days of dying alone are now over because, yes, you are already dead.

Nerd Muffin #3:

Having a face is really overrated. Imagine girls, he won't notice you've gained 10 pounds over the winter or be scoping out other women. Although he will still be able to speak, and really, who actually needs that in a man? Especially when you know all that is going to come out is raid play by plays and Weird Al renditions. Where's the duct tape?

Nerd Muffin #4:

That chubby little finger could be caressing your nose right now. Jealous? I thought so. Don't let Watto have all the fun, that nerd is ripe for the picking.

Nerd Muffin #5:

Don't worry boys, I have a bit of nerd eye candy for you too. And by candy I mean a vat of cheesy puffs floating in a sea of mountain dew. Added Bonus: I have an inkling there are boobies involved in this scenario.
. . .

Now that you have seen several nerd dating options, I will give you a couple tips on how to break the ice in wooing said nerd. For example:


Make sure to say something horribly vulgar when making your first impression, like Casanova Douchebag did in the above example. Also, make sure to buy some elf ears, ASAP.

In addition, consider placing an adorable picture of a puppy for your profile picture instead of your own ugly mug. I guarantee the following canine is getting more action than any other user on Datecraft. The next time we see him he will be covered in a fine layer of Cheeto dust. Don't worry, the Humane Society is on their way.