The Watchmen Review

I'd seen the previews. Comic book nerds running around in crazy latex outfits. In theory Watchmen looked to be a comic book trainwreck but out of dedication to our nerd blog, Heidi and I took the fateful journey to the movie theater. Of course we had an anonymous nerd in tow (NOT Elman), just in case something flashed on the screen that required further explanation. Like, for example, a giant blue wiener.



Yes, that's right. The centerpiece of Watchmen is Dr. Manhattan's junk. Just imagine... this movie is 2 hours and 43 minutes long. Bam! Wiener! Bam! Schlong! Bam Bam! Gah, he did a twirl!

So here now, I am going to provide a review from someone who never read the book. That perspective will later be told by Heidi. Despite having very little background on the story, I thought the movie set up the characters quite well. I actually liked Silk Spectre when typically female superheroes seem to just be included to look slutty. She was smart, strong and identifiable to the average human female in her struggles with her Dr. Manhattan relationship.

Another highlight of the movie was the ridiculous amount of blood and gore. It was damn near the levels of a horror movie, with Heidi and I turning away from the screen with disturbed and nauseated looks on our face. Then we would look back and find our beloved blue, and all would be right again with the world.

As I hear from those who read the book, the ending is drastically different. However, I thought the ending of the movie was really well thought out and brought up an interesting point about defining good versus evil. As you all well know, we deal with evil on a daily basis. All Heidi and I really need now are those thigh high Silk Spectre boots so we can stomp Elman on the regular.

We aren't full blown nerds yet... (oh god, someone please back us up on this one)... however I LOVED this movie. Heidi, we should go again, this time to IMAX. First because 3D schlong is always better than 2D, and secondly because we can dress up and subsequently terrify the entire Puget Sound area.

--Lauren

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Lauren, I couldn't agree more. IMAX, here we come. The nerds around the office know how much love we have for Dr. Manhattan and all the glory of Big Blue. I'm pretty sure Steven's resignation letter is already typed up, pained as he is at the mere mention of our beloved. And yes, folks, it's quite often that Lauren and I bring it up. Why? Because we're slutty hobags who can't get enough of the blue stuff? Partially, yes. But come on. If you've seen the movie you know that Big Blue is the main character. This little guy carries the movie. Sure there's violence aplenty, blood and gore stuck to every surface. Certainly there is the human element in the love story that builds between two once washed-up, but now again-relevant, costume heroes. And, um.... there's a Giant Blue SuperHuman Penis. Alright, people. It's huge. So we might as well talk about it.

This is one seriously Hollywood-with-a-capital-H penis. If you've read the graphic novel, you know that Dr. Manhattan is naked, yes, but woefully under-endowed. It's an understated, almost sad kind of Blue. In fact, Blue is all ball in the book:


The movie, Hollywood to the core, replaces Little Boy Blue with Babe the Blue Ox. Witness:

(For the record, yeah, I stole this image, and yeah, I covered up the watermark.... and YEAH, the watermark was in the shape of a GIANT BLUE PENIS. Jesus.)

Yeah, I could go on to grab screencaps of Dan and Laurie and of their respective Nite Owl and Silk Spectre II.... I could compare their book-to-movie transformations, lamenting or praising where necessary. But what's the point? I mean... Sure, the director actually did a decent job, in my mind, of bringing to life the characters I got to know in the book. Dan was acceptably nerdy and sad, whilst maintaining just enough Nerd sex appeal to explain Laurie's slide from Big Blue to Sad Dan. Laurie's Silk Spectre was as hot as you wanted her to be in spandex and latex; it was the 80's, folks, and Laurie rocked it like she meant it. There wasn't much to complain about... except the incessant flopping around of Big Blue.

Yes, Lauren and I nervously giggled at its introduction. Our first joint penis sighting... Eek! how should we proceed? After brushing that first giggle aside, though, I was prepared to settle in to a movie full of tea-service-blocking-the-boobies shots, a la:


The first shot, actually, exactly matched the book's introduction of Dr. Manhattan:


Nice and modest. But after that.... hold on to your hats, folks. I hope you like to cook out because we're talking three hour sausage fest. I had no real problem with it. I mean, if you had superpowers, you'd make sure Blue was on point too. I only had to call bullshit once, and that was when Blue made his way to Antarctica. We've all seen that episode of Seinfeld. Where was the shrinkage? It was ANTARCTICA.

All in all, though, I have to admit, my Watchmen experience was amazing. From that first humiliating day, walking into the bookstore, pushing my glasses up on the bridge of my nose, and asking for the graphic novels section. And now, a few short weeks later, I have come full circle. I've read the book. I've seen the movie... and thanks to Lauren's endless generosity (and possibly a bit of an evil streak), I am now the proud owner of a Watchmen T-shirt and fuck yeah, I'm wearing it to work tomorrow. Best. Birthday. Present. Ever. Lauren entered a Hot Topic for me and made a purchase. That's love.... and really, isn't that what Watchmen is really about?

Wait, what WAS Watchmen about?

OH! Schlong.

--heidi