A Real Super Hero to Call Our Own

Sorry for the long break between posts. I have been seeking inspiration/falling asleep while watching marathon sessions of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is a pitiful life I live, writing about nerds and wishing I could be a demon killer. But then that elusive inspiration hit yesterday. Inspiration for a nerd post and for me to one day become the superhero Dracula ass-kicker I always wanted to be.

Over in good old Cincinnati, a 21 year old nerd has taken it upon himself to become the city's masked avenger. His name is The Shadow Hare. Yeah, I wouldn't imagine the name strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies either, but then you see him in person...

Alright, no fear there either. However he claims to to have defeated drug dealers, robbers and all sorts of other unseemly characters. This is all well and good, until one delves further and discovers that Shadow Hare is part of The Allegiance of Heroes.

What's wrong with belonging to this Allegiance? Nothing, except when you realize that these masked vigilantes of justice are actually larpers and cos-players with a new, dangerous maybe even nerdier hobby.

In this most impressive line up of heroes, I have found a few I would like to import to the Puget Sound area. We have plenty of drug dealers, pedophiles and murderers in lovely Tacoma that need a good beatdown, but mostly Heidi and I are seeking back up against the indestructible Elman creature. Seriously people, he's like a cockroach, the more you squish him with your shoe, the stronger he comes back.

Candidite #1: The Angle Grinder Man

This hero wanders around London freeing cars of their wheel clamps. Sure he has limited skills and a horrifyingly accentuated shiny package, but I feel we could easily use his clamping skills to immobilize Elman and then have him permanently impounded. Um EW, that came off sounding far more dirty than deadly. //puke. That's right it warranted the double slash puke.

Candidate #2: Superbarrio

I actually feel really bad making fun of this one, because he does a lot of good in his community, but sacrifices must be made. His Mexican roots will lull Elman into a false sense of security, and then BAM, swine flu will be rained upon him. Too soon? Nope, there's no time to waste in the destruction of Elman.

Candidate #3: Polar Man

The World Superhero Database describes Polar Man as an unknown white man who prowls the streets shoveling elders' steps and walkways and entertaining children. You must be wondering how in the world this guy and his snow shovel might terrorize our dear Elman. Well clearly Polar Man is a serious threat to Elman's dating and social calendar. When all the geriatrics dump Elman for Polar Man, he will have no reason to go on.

Elman doesn't stand a chance against our powerful allies. If you are looking for your own vigilante, make sure to check out the Hero Database here:

World Super Hero Registry

A Nerd Accessory: The USB Drive

Nerds are not typically ones to accessorize. I mean really, what can possibly go with coke bottle glasses, a 1980's haircut, and a Star Wars t-shirt? Well yes, an inflatable girlfriend, but besides that.

For instance, if one were to rummage through a nerd's pocket, might they find a rolex watch? Doubtful. The nerd species just isn't into all that flash and glamour. Unless of course it relates to their gadgets.

If you keep rummaging in that pocket... yes, I know, it's a dark dank place you had hoped to never find yourself... you will undoubtedly encounter a family of USB drives. These little sticks of memory are directly correlated to a nerd's manhood. If you're attending a nerd gathering only packing a lowly 4 gigabyte USB drive you best turn around and reassess your life plan. These days owning a 16GB might not even be enough to rouse enough envy in your fellow nerd to make him rush to Newegg.com and buy a bigger and better nerd stick. But you know what? I'm guessing these will:

Princess Leia USB- 2GB- $54.95

You want to buy this, don't you?

Lego USB- 2GB- $29.95

Go ahead, live your nerd dreams...

USB Necktie- Not yet for sale... but don't you wish it was?

The Enigma- 64GB times 3- $10,000

Sure you could buy a small country instead, but this USB will guarentee the geek girls to come arunning. Prepare to max out your credit card.

USB Schlong- 1GB- $20

This masterpiece could only be improved upon with some blue shellac. Plug it in, and it glows red. Sold? I thought so. Purchase here.

Nerd Trial: Magic the Gathering Online

I blame Heidi. She just HAD to go on vacation, leaving me to my own devices for a whole week. And what do I decide to go and do? I am going to download Magic the Gathering Online. Created by some mathematician and Wizards of the Coast (the creators of D&D), Magic just screams nerd. What proof do I have you ask? A certain Elman plays it which would be enough said, but on top of that he pours countless dollars into virtual cards. That's right. The man (god what a horrible descriptor) is not even buying tangible nerd gear. He is buying nerd pixels!

So in effort to understand the awe of these magical nerd pixels, I have started downloading the game. I don't know what's with these nerd games taking an eternity to download. I could have driven to the comic book store, bought a crate of real Magic cards, unwrapped them, mocked Elman and then burned the cards in the time it took for this game to finish downloading. And then this happened.


EXCUSE ME!?! I just wasted 2 hours of my nerd life so that you can be a whore and crash the first time I open you? AND THE SECOND!? Aha! Well, thankfully these developers thought ahead and put a repair button on the opening screen.


Oh NO you didn't! I have to now download six times the number of files I did the first time around? What IS this? I'm downloading Elman's nerd hobby, not his porn collection!

... ... ... still downloading ... ... ... oh, getting a little closer... ... ... oh my god, I think I died... ... ... only 10 more files to go. YES, SUCCESS! Launch program...

That's it. Review OVER. Magic the Gathering is the worst game in history. And this is my bug report: SUCK IT. This game has managed to drain my soul before I even bought one single nerd pixel. I'm sure Elman has somehow used his nerd powers to hijack my computer and block me from entering his sacred nerd land. Well you know what I say to that? I SUMMON...

I claim victory with just one card. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

2G1L Book Review: HitchHiker's Guide

I had to read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams because it is Mr. Ultimate Nerd Elman's favorite book. Yes, that is his given name. Of course Elman has horrible taste in everything, but I gave the book a chance because other people with opinions I actually value said it was worth reading.

So I meandered over to the used book store, was saddened I couldn't find the book myself, and was forced to ask the guy at the front desk where the nerd aisle was. I then made the mistake of buying the volume that compiled all five novels together instead of just buying the famous first one. My nerd eyes are clearly bigger than my stomach because at this pace, I will get done with all five novels around 2050.

The first novel is only about 140 pages long. I could certainly read that in a day if I put my mind to it. Ahem... I started this book about a month and a half ago. I had to reread the beginning because I had forgotten what happened. This actually wasn't too unfortunate because the first couple chapters are really really good. You are introduced to the two main characters, the human Arthur Dent and the alien Ford Prefect.
In fact, I thought all the characters were great, like the evil Vogon race they come across who uses recited poetry as a means of torture. This is something I can totally identity with. My downfall with the book was the plot, a good amount of the time I just had no idea what the hell was going on. I admit, I'm no genius but I understand the English language... pretty damn well. Can somebody translate this for me?

"The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian Motion producer (say a nice hot cup of tea) were of course well understood-- and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy."

HUH!? First of all, could that sentence BE any longer? And what's with the tea? Crazy British bastards. You're probably thinking this would make sense if given in context, but no, not really. The context is Arthur and Ford were saved from imminent death by some infinitely improbable ship, and this only happened because of some horrible physics explanation. Did I mention I HATE physics? There is no wonder this book makes me feel nauseous, it teleports me back to high school physics class when I sat there with the same blank look I had while reading this book.

Now then, if we extract all this physics garbage because really, what has that crap ever done for us, then we have a story I can work with. And by work with, I mean I am now headed to Blockbuster to rent the movie so that Hollywood can better explain to me how aliens and astrophysics go together.

In other news, The Oxford University Douglas Adams Society has cooked up a HitchHiker's Guide roleplaying drinking game. Maybe those British aren't so crazy after all. They advocate cross-dressing while bar hopping and drinking massive quantities of booze. Where was THAT in the book!?

Go to The Hitchhiker's RPG

An Intro to Cosplay- Sakura-Con 2009

Heidi, we have made a grave, grave mistake. Remember when I told you that Sakura-Con 2009 was last weekend and that it cost an insane $40 to get in and we decided to not go? I don't think I realized this event was the pinnacle of nerd activity until I went looking for photos to see exactly what we missed. I feel like that $40 might of been well worth seeing these nerds in action. For example:

Example 1: Jesus is a nerd AND skipped Easter to go to Sakura-Con? The Apocalypse is truly nigh.

Example 2: Dude be packing some Pocky. I'm in love. Wait a second, it just occurred to me that some of our readers might be more clueless than I, especially after seeing these pictures. Maybe you don't know what a "Con" is, or more importantly what cosplay involves. Well, let me enlighten you.

Cosplay is not unlike larping, where individuals dress up and really dedicate themselves to becoming a character. However cosplay is more like a fashion show whereas larping revolves around using one's character in an ongoing game. Short for costume play, cosplay is often considered a type of performance art because participants reenact character scenes as well as concentrate on the intricate details needed to replicate their character's costume.

Japanese culture is a very popular theme, and anime and manga provide infinite character inspiration... none of which I know, because we just haven't delved into that insanity yet. And finally, there are literally like a hundred of these Con's around the country where all the cosplay nerds flock to exhibit their hard work. And no, I'm not even mocking here, the time and money put into some of these costumes is quite amazing. Last weekend's Sakura-Con was Seattle's big convention, and just because I enjoy them SO much, and I am already planning the 2 Girls 1 Larp maiden cosplay adventure for next year, here are some more examples:

The Pièce de Résistance

Link of the Day: The Black Nerd

Today's link of the day is: http://www.blacknerdcomedy.com/. The owner of this website is a comedian, Andre Meadows, who is attempting to break the mold of the typical nerd. You know, the pasty white guy with thick glasses, ill fitting clothes, and that twinkle of crazy in his eye. At first glance, one would guess that this Andre fellow is a "normal" as he lacks all the telltale signs of nerd. But then you delve further and he reveals his penchant for donning his man size Scooby Doo costume and his expansive knowledge of video games.


He even goes so far as to create an ode to the Konami Code, something of video game legend. For those hardcore nerds, the Konami Code brings them back to the 80's when this sacred gift to the nerds emerged. The code let players cheat in difficult games created by Konami like Contra by giving the player 3 times the number of lives. All one had to do was pause the game and input a sequence of buttons. And so the lazy nerds multiplied in number. Thanks Konami, I full well intend to sue you for creating Elman.

Make sure to check out the Black Nerd's website where he has videos, a blog and even movie reviews. He may have turned into a full blown nerd but at least he's entertaining, which is more than I can say for some nerds. Yes Elman, I'm looking at you.

Happy Nerd Easter!

What do nerds and Easter have in common? Absolutely nothing unless you are at Target shopping in the Easter aisle and by surely fate alone, come across the best Easter egg coloring kit EVER.

I haven't made Easter eggs in oh, about five years, but this opportunity wasn't one to be passed up. A Star Wars tie fighter made out of a hard boiled egg? CHECK!

Egg Tie Fighter

Real Tie Fighter

The resemblance is uncanny, no? In fact, the egg tie fighter serves as a meaningful metaphor in the fragility of a real tie fighter in battle, one glancing blow and that bastard cracks like our dye saturated egg. Dammit, I just spent far too much time researching ship specs on Wookipedia.

In addition, I am very concerned that tomorrow morning when my roommate opens the refrigerator to make breakfast, that she will one, be terrified by the dairy Imperial starfighter battling the cottage cheese and two, be even more terrified to realize that she is living with someone with full-blown closet nerditis.

Then again, how can you not be proud to be associated with the genius (ME) who created these Easter specimens. I have no doubt that the Geekster Bunny is dying his Imperial Egg arsenal as we speak.

To the Comic Book Store!

Being the wonderful friend/enabler that she is, Heidi both found the local comic book store as well as accompanied me on our Saturday adventure there. The journey was long and arduous, our mix of excitement and shame weighing us down, as our main objective was to greet a bonafied comic book writer in the flesh.

When we arrived, we were surprised how normal this promised land appeared wedged within a run of the mill strip mall. But then we stepped inside...

OH MY GOD, WE HIT THE MOTHERLOAD!! From floor to ceiling, we were bombarded with action figure, comic book and graphic novel goodness. To the left, Star Wars comics, to the right, Watchmen barbie, and straight ahead, the key to my heart.

I have no qualms in admitting I'm a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fangirl. But little did I know there is a massive comic book series that continues where the show left off. You may now congratulate me on my first ever comic book purchase. I chose carefully, because I know this sucker is going to be worth millions in a few years. Look at the detail in those Pomeranians. Unfortunately it took me about 2 minutes in the car to rip that plastic sleeve right off and ravage those colorful Buffy filled pages.

Also included in my purchase were two beautiful D&D dice. Heidi, do you think it would be too much to turn these into earrings? Elman would be SO jealous.

And just when I thought my shopping spree had ended, the Star Wars PocketModel Trading Card Game caught my eye. Whilst also intrigued by the stack of Magic Cards, these unknown cards screamed for more research. Alright, I will fess up, it was Hayden Christiansen on the front that really made the sale. But best of all, when I got home I realized not only were there nerd cards, but also a little ship building kit. Hell yes I was excited, look at my wonderful creations.

I am truly a nerd craftsman now. Sadly the comic book signing we had anticipated is not happening until May 2nd, or free comic book day. And by sadly I mean hot damn! This is a national comic book holiday where comic book stores around the country give out free comic books. Watch out nerd world, Heidi and Lauren will be there bright and early.

Comic Book Ink

1625 East 72nd and Portland ave.Suite 800

Tacoma, WA 98404

4Chan: The Birthplace of Creepy Chan

I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoy pointless reality TV drivel. In fact, Heidi and I are both avid followers of America's Next Top Model despite Tyra Banks striking fear into us mere mortals. On this season of Top Model, we discovered that a certain contestant hails from one of the nerdiest hubs on the Internet, 4Chan.org.

4Chan is a virtual bulletin board where people can post all types of images and interact with other users. However don't get too excited just yet because most of the images are anime and manga, of the porn variety, otherwise known as hentai. Their /b/ section has been aptly described as "the asshole of the Internet" (something you will see A LOT of should you visit the site). Now hold your horses before you go running over there. You might be intrigued, but seriously, please prepare yourself mentally. I ventured in all happy go lucky and have come out a severely scarred shell of my former self. YUP, bestiality is alive and well. /CRY.

The majority of posts involve perverted little nerds revealing what type of anime porn they enjoy, like say tranny anime porn, and then other perverted nerds scour their hard drives for such images and present them to the first nerd. I mean, really? How would you like to one day realize that you are officially a dealer in amputee furry porn? Looking on the brighter side, in my first 5 minutes I also found some epic non porn images:

Ninja Nerd: That hole is 2 centimeters from making this image x-rated... and SO not in a good way.

Makeup Nerd: It's not polite to point at the freaks/geeks

Nerdy the Pooh: Damn Pooh, lay off the honey already.


Anyway, back to my original point. A girl dubbed Creepy Chan is now a contestant on Top Model. In her first introduction she revealed that her hobby, aside from being a 4chan goddess, is nose bleeds. She looks like she's the love child of a possessed porcelain doll and a soul sucking alien but nevertheless, Heidi and I are totally rooting for the queen of the nerds. Besides, she is truly providing a public service announcement to the nerd population on the merits of highlights and hygiene. Just look at that before and after.  Tune in at 8PM on Wednesdays to support Creepy Chan's quest for model stardom.

The New Star Trek: A Future Nerd Blockbuster

Today the Internet was all abuzz with talk about the upcoming Star Trek movie. I must say that when we saw the preview before Watchmen, I was definitely intrigued. And this might be why:

Reason 1: The Younger Hotter Captain Kirk

First of all, this is how little I know about Star Trek. I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of this dude... Kurt, Ken, Kirby? Ahh yes, Captain Kirby. There is no arguing that the new Captain is a hot piece of ass compared to the original version.

Reason 2: The Star Trek Movie Website

It's not good that 5 minutes on the Star Trek movie website turned me into a full fledged Star Trek nerdling. I mean, hot damn, you can look at models of the Enterprise, pretend you are actually in the Starship, watch previews, and even put your own face on Spock in the mosaic section. I came seconds away from adding a Star Trek skin to this here fancy blog of ours.

Starship Models

Mosaics

Main Website

Reason 3: An Excuse to Master the Vulcan Salute

So the movie comes out May 8th. Heidi, that gives us a solid month to really get down the Vulcan Salute AND track down some spock ears which we obviously have to wear to the movie theater. Plus, we can continue to use said ears should we go larping as elves or during D&D battles at Elman's house.


Look at this Rabbi throw down the Vulcan, we certainly have a lot of work to do.

|337 5p34k- Wait, huh?

Today children, please open your Nerd Lifestyles Manual to chapter 7 on Leet Speak. This ancient language of the nerds was created in the 1980's for the purpose of... well... complicated nerd reasons like hacking and gaming and furthering one's lack of a social life.

At first glance, leet speak appears to have no greater purpose than making the English language ten times harder to read. I mean, really, do you know what I am saying here?

"W3 I1k3 b16 bIu3 5chI0n6 4nd my573r10u5 p00."

Although, I guess that statement generally goes without saying, for those of you who don't understand my message and are lacking the secret decoder ring, you can go to this website. Fear not, you will now be able to communicate on a superior nerd level:

THE NERD TRANSLATOR

After a little further research, the underlying purpose for leet speak made itself known. Of course it led back to what everything leads back to, our dear friend PORN! Should you one, find yourself in a chat room in the near future and two, have someone message you "A/S/L?", watch the hell out because you've taken a wrong turn into a minefield of lonely nerds.

Nerds are infamous porn experts and so in order to get their jollies, they had to devise a plan to get past content filters. By spelling porn with a leet spin or Pr0n, nerds can get nasty on the down low. I feel I can truly identify with this desire. Identify THIS:

B====D

Today, I bow to the genius of the nerd.

April Fools- A Nerd Holiday

I never really thought much about April 1st. In elementary school, April Fools meant breaking out the whoopie cushion, but I figured in our adult world, we had moved on.

However, being the mischievous little vermin that they are, nerds the world over have adopted this day to wreak havoc on the rest of us. Not physical havoc.. obviously... but with the one weapon they can truly use against us, the Internet.

Companies infested with nerds like Google and Expedia decided to get a little creative. How about flipping YouTube upside down so the poor non-nerds were led to panic.

Or the Conficker worm, set to bring down the Internet on April 1st. Most definitely created by some nerds in Russia to piss us normal humans off when all we want to do is order some Pizza Hut online.

The most confusing of all this April Foolery is something called The Rick Roll. Used as an April Fool's joke in 2008 by YouTube, one is linked to a horrifying video of some dude named Rick Astley crooning "Never Gonna Give You Up."


Yeah, it's a horrible song from the 80's but I believe the true injustice of sending someone this link is subjecting them to this king of the nerds. Just look at him, I would have an easier time believing Elman as an 80's pop star... as I'm pretty sure spandex and neon colors would come naturally to him.

You totally know I was going to include a Rick Roll link here, but at this point I have Rick Roll'd myself about 5 times, and I can't fathom seeing that ginger bastard ever again. And so I leave you with this:

Not A Rick Roll