Happy Towel Day!

Poor Memorial Day, it just had to fall on the ever more popular Towel Day, a nerd holiday celebrated every May 25th. This day not only honored all our military, but also the creation of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and it's author Douglas Adams.

The holiday is no Star Wars day, however you do get to walk around town holding a towel signifying your respect and remembrance for the book and author without looking crazy. Oh wait...

If you haven't read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, mostly because my scathing review a couple months back scared you off, basically all you need to know is that if you happen to get lost in space, you better have a towel in hand. Don't roll your eyes at me, you know it's going to happen.

Just think about it. A towel can be a blanket, twisted up it can be an ass whipping weapon, worn over one's head it can filter out nerd stink, or it can be used as a white flag when the aliens come to probe you. That's right, I just saved your life.

Elman's Housewarming Gift

Our arch nemesis Elman has broken the nerd trend and moved out of his mother's basement. At the tender age of 22, he is now a proud home owner and no longer has to hide his naughty magazines under his mattress.

Heidi and I, being the caring, loving co-workers that we are, have come up with several items we are considering for Elman's housewarming gift.

1) The Man Crib


Of course this wouldn't be complete without some pajamas:

Moving from the basement to above ground is going to be a big transition for Elmie. A man sized crib and footie pajamas we can only hope will lessen the shock and help him regain some of the security he has lost.

2) A Dungeon and Dragon's Dungeon Master Outfit

Elman claims to be a Dungeon Master yet he really lacks the outfit to back it up. So in order to get his nerd legions to respect him just a smidgen more, we bestow the following:

Scratch that, this is far more applicable to the situation.

You should see Heidi feverishly knitting away, an Elman sized bag over head is no small task people.

3) Cat Love

If there is one thing you need to know about Elman, it's that he hates cats. Quite similarly with women, he just hasn't met one that doesn't go screaming around the room, trying to claw its way to an escape route. Well, have we found the cat for Elman.


Elman needs someone who will unconditionally love him besides his mother. Sure it's in exchange for food and its coming in the form of an obese cat, but beggars can't be choosers.

4) Joker Art

Elman has declared on several occasions that he wants to have the Joker's babies. Yes, that does make him a necrophiliac and also leads me to believe that some horrible things must be going down with his reproductive system that I really just don't want to know about. So, to honor his muse/lover, we have found him some wall art.

5) A Warning Sign

This is the only gift that Elman legitimately wants... like seriously. I'm pretty sure his security system is set to stun should a XX chromosome cross his threshold.

The Klingon Empire Pageant

We've all heard of Miss USA and Miss Universe, but did anyone have any idea there was a Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant?

On September 9th, 2009 all aspiring female Klingons will gather in Atlanta at Dragon Con to compete for an 8 inch tall jeweled tiara, a Klingon trophy and more importantly the title of Miss Klingon Empire 2009. Based on past year's winners, there is going to be some stiff and bumpy competition.

Each contestant is judged in three categories: beauty, talent and personality. From my research (don't you mock me), Klingons are a warrior clan and one of their many talents is being busty, as seen below. They are also complete bitches and will rip your head off just to get to that crown... although I suppose that isn't too different from beauty queens in general. When the 2007 Miss Klingon Empire was interviewed about passing on her crown she stated: “I’ll cut the head off the new winner, and then I’ll have two crowns and a trophy.”

Don't mess with this lady, she has the crazy in her eyes... and is definitely going to eat that guy behind her.

Other highlights of the pageant include celebrity judges like George Takei who played Hiraku Sulu on the Star Trek television series. You'll be thrilled to know that registration is still open, and if anything, you should go just to hear the Master of Ceremonies sing "Miss Klingon" and "She's a Klingon". Or you could just watch the first 2 minutes of this video and save yourself the horror of finding yourself permanently wedged in that Klingon bosom.

The Return to the Nerd Kingdom

Last week I took a vacation from the nerd kingdom that is my job. I had high hopes of completely extricating myself from the unhealthy habit of nerdy activities for a full week. I relaxed, did some gardening, went shopping... saw Star Trek with Heidi, researched Fanboys, looked up when larping season begins, installed a "beta" version of Windows 7...

DAMMIT.

There's no escape. This really dawned on me a few days ago, while I was watching Grandma's Boy, (a stoner/nerd flick that revolves around a bunch of video game testers with no lives.)


At first the movie made me think that maybe I could be a video game tester because that would be cool. UGH. Then I made a comment on a nerd's interior decorating choices in the movie, which mostly involved binary wallpaper:

ME: Binary!? Lame...
Anonymous Nerd: You knew it was binary, LAME!

Yes, I was dissed by a nerd. And then, just when my self esteem couldn't get any lower, the evil uber nerd character JP who consistently talks in a robot voice walks into the room and says:

"Hey Samantha, look, sorry I can't make the dinner tonight, I just got the new season of Buffy on DVD and I'm gonna kick it at my crib and watch the bonus features."

Dear lord, I'm this guy. One trip to the trench coat store and I'm set:

It's all too horrible for words. At least I have two more seasons of Buffy to console me.

A Post for the Ladies

Hey girls, this post is for you. I am about to provide you with some nerd kryptonite. We've all been there, you turn around to find that that hot raspy breath in your ear is this guy:


Or this guy:


Oh GOD, this guy too:


Two brilliant girls (sadly not us), have come up with a fabulous creeper deterrent. Hidden inside a fancy little keychain lies a fake engagement ring that you can whip on when you see your future nerd stalker. However if instead Captain Kirk arrives, you can quickly tuck that sucker back away and canoodle yourself onto the Starship Enterprise. Spock babies here we come!

You can own one for only $50 at http://mstaken.com/ Even better, they have created a music video that spoofs SNLs "Jizz in my Pants" and shows the situation from a girl's perspective. Nerds, hear us roar!

Happy Star Wars Day

I can only assume that today's holiday is little known because it is overshadowed by all the booze buying necessary for the preparation of tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo. So it is my job to alert you to the fact that May 4th is semi-official Star Wars Day and that you better recognize.

How this holiday doesn't get me a paid day off from work, I don't know. With its motto: "May the Fourth be with you" (get it? get it?), this may very well be the pinnacle of all nerd holidays. While there are no official activities, I know in my heart that nerds the world over are gathering in their mother's basements, watching all six digitally remastered movies, holding brief intermissions to reenact battles with their plastic light saber glowsticks, and after the Mountain Dew wears off, crying silently into the fuzzy bellies of their stuffed Chewbacca dolls.

Meanwhile George Lucas is crying into his $3.9 billion net worth because he only got laid twice today. What a pathetic bastard.