LAN Parties: A Synopsis

For being social outcasts at times, nerds certainly have active social lives. Lately, I have been hearing more and more about nerd gatherings called LAN parties. LAN apparently stands for local area network, not Losers And Nerds as I had first assumed.

I have not personally been to a LAN party, but there are plans, OH there are plans. While Dungeon Master Elman plans to ban Heidi and I from lanning just as much as he plans to ban us from D&Ding, LAN we will!

So, let me try to paint a picture for you. One day, you get an invitation to a party, and you're like yay! Liquor and hookers! Little do you know you have been invited to a LAN Party and have no idea what you are getting yourself into. You arrive at your destination with a keg and a fifth of vodka, open the door and are greeted by rows and rows of beady bloodshot eyes illuminated by the glow of computer screens.

Oh yes, you are now in for at least 24 hours of multiplayer gaming debauchery, often times in someone's garage or basement. Don't think you can last that long on the computer, let alone in a room packed full of nerd paraphernalia?

Well this is where I insert a crucial part of this story. Yesterday, as Elman was referring to this pinnacle of his nerd social calendar, the LAN party, he plainly stated one detail I should not miss:

"We drink balls..."

As I sat there trying to contemplate what this could mean, grasping at anything that could erase the horrifying visual that was taking form in my mind, he sent me a clarifying link over IM. With a sigh of relief, I then realized Elman was making a NERD statement, not a genitalia one. I know... I should have assumed. What he said was:

"We drink Bawls..."

There is a carbonated drink called Bawls which actually sponsors these nerd gatherings. Packed with an ungodly amount of caffeine, this drink aims to power up a nerd's gaming abilities so they have no need to be inconvenienced by sleep... or a social life.


Notice the bumps on the bottle. Oh yes, this drink is specifically built for speed. Bawls brand also offers: G33K B33R.


A root beer for nerds... what will they think of next.

Well, in fact they thought of a genius product called Geek Mints. Described by Wikipedia as mints that"can be put into a bottle of Bawls to rapidly release the carbonation of the drink and mint to produce a large head of foam which often overflows. This is called a "Fizzing Blue Bawls". " EWW, what? There are so many double entendres in that description my head might explode.

And so, cheers to Blue Bawls and LAN Parties... as though you didn't already know they go hand in hand.