A Female Character Analysis

Both today and yesterday I was informed by World of Warcraft fiends that I made an obvious mistake when illustrating blood elf porn in the last post. The creature I thought was a blood elf was in fact a Draenei. Of course, of course, how could I be SO blind?

And so to avoid any further embarrassment in front of our legions of nerds, I have conducted an analysis of some of the female characters found in several nerd realms. And by characters I mean sluts. Through no fault of their own, the nerds who created these character illustrations have clearly been to the strip club one too many times and are now unleashing their depraved nerd fantasies the world over.

Slut #1: Draenei

So here is the infamous Draenei. Where I went wrong the other day was that I missed the fact that the Draenei have a distinctive characteristic protruding from their butt... some might call it a tail. While others claim the blood elf and Draenei are obviously different (Mr. Digitel and Mr. Deathklaw), I make determining those differences analogous to telling the difference between Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen... can't do it and don't care.

Slut#2: Blood Elf

Okay, so maybe there a few more differences. The blood elf is missing those floopy things behind the ear, and has far fancier eyebrows. Also, these girls have a reputation not unlike your high school varsity cheerleading team.

Slut #3: Dryad

That is one curvaceous tree. Where the hell did all her leaves go? I'm pretty sure this tree nymph is about to get her ass clearcut.

Slut #4: Drow

Drow are some sort of evil creatures that enjoy pain and torture. I'm not so much worried about her evil plans, but if the laces in that corset don't hold, it's all over for the both of us.

Slut #5: Orc

Nope, not going to say a word. I'm pretty sure even her pinky toe could end the world.

Slut #6: Troll


This is what we call a mythological butterface. For some reason I had the impression that trolls lived under bridges, but apparently they average 7 feet tall and will rip your throat out before you even get close to grabbin' that fine ass.

Slut #7: Halfling

Otherwise known as plain Jane, the halflings are hobbits. And if we know anything about Lord of the Rings, Elijah Wood is going to be about as feminine as it gets with this race.

Slut #8: Satyr


Well look who just found her future larp outfit. If I can wear 5 inch heels, I'm sure I can rock the hooves. Heidi, do you think you can knit me some satyr pants by summer?

Slut #9: Centaur

Well that's just creepy. I'm sure this girl was thrilled when she realized her nerd boyfriend photoshopped her into a four legged freak.

Slut #10: Elman


Speaking of creepy... Elman, stop being a whore. You know men won't respect you if you go parading around like that.

I'm sure I've missed a few, but they will have to wait for another day. And to all the readers who found this boring because of the World of Warcraft references, you can shut it, I know for a fact you enjoyed the virtual boobage. After this, I might as well start up nerd Playboy.

These are our readers?

Sometimes, as I am writing these posts, I start to wonder who our target audience might be. Thanks to an amazing tool, Google Analytics, Heidi and I can actually see some of the search terms that lead people to our blog. One might assume larping, girls, and nerds would rank in the top search terms, but alas we are all horribly wrong. Oh no, instead we have people searching for the following items and finding our blog. Scary isn't it?

Larp Porn


I'm not aware of larp porn actually existing. Although, when you think about it, all porn is in its own way a larp. There are live people, getting some action, and in the case of a Ron Jeremy flick, there is a woman role playing enjoyment because you just know that has got to be the worst experience of her life.

UPDATE: SIGH... we are now on page one for this search on Google. What did I do...

Hobo Porn

Christ people, enough with the porn. We make one mention of Hobo Porn, and now we are on page 3 of search results for this query. Yeahhh... that's the demographic we were aiming for.


Blood Elf Porn

Sigh, it never ends does it? First of all, I played World of Warcraft, and I have no recollection of blood elves ever getting it on. Secondly, you make me sad, very sad.

Heidi, brace yourself. Just when you think it can't get anymore disturbing, there was in fact one search entitled Heidi Porn. Perhaps Google Analytics has taken one step too far in illuminating what people do while on the Internet. I yearn to return to the days where I thought people searched for politics and beanie babies instead of bum fetishes and nerd erotica.

Numa Numa Thumbhead

Based on the number of views on Youtube, I'm sure most people have seen this video. Yet somehow I haven't, and how I love it now that I have discovered it. This totally proves that if you are a nerd, but can work it and are okay with millions pointing and laughing, then you can be a nerd celebrity. Commence the pointing and laughing:

I'm not going to lie. If I could have my pick between nerd stallions like Numa Numa, or Mr. Thumbhead, I would be hard pressed to make a decision. And not because I'm a masochist and enjoy the sensation of revulsion but because you just have to love these guys.

I mean really, when was the last time your head was shaped like a thumb? That's what I thought. Oh Heidi, I can't get enough of these round gelatinous heads. What has happened to me? I think you were right when you said World of Warcraft would be my demise, nothing has ever been the same since.

My HTML Hell

As you might have noticed, we have gussied up the site with a new 2 Girls 1 Larp logo. As it turns out, I have no goddamn idea what I'm doing and for a good three days I'm sure my roommate has been hearing some weird noises emanating from my bedroom to the effect of "Fuuuuuuuuu.... YES! VICTORY! (silence) Shit... I'm a nerd."

Up until recently, I just kind of assumed that the Internet was magic, and all the pages just sort of appeared there through some elaborate scheme of smoke and mirrors. I have now come to realize that every little freaking letter or border is composed of a bunch of coding gibberish that makes your eyes want to bleed, otherwise known as HTML.


Shut up, I know I'm using a template. That doesn't change the fact that finding the code to change the background is akin to finding the lost city of Atlantis. I mean look at that crap, I would have an easier time learning Klingon. Hab SoSlI' Quch! Yeah, that's right, I just insulted your mother.

This is how desperate I became, I actually asked our archenemy Elman for some assistance. Being that he's the antichrist, he gave me a blank stare and said no. But don't you worry, I prevailed, and therefore proved once again that Elman is useless.

And so, I hope you enjoy the results of all the nerd sweat and nerd tears I put into this blog the last couple days. Ew, nerd sweat, this /puke is for you Heidi.

A Nerd Red Carpet Fashion Critique

The peak of celebrity fashion occurred last night with The Emmys. The best part of this award show was of course making fun of the people who made heinous fashion faux pas on the Red Carpet. Fashion faux pas you say?

Okay, okay, it isn't all bad. Some of these girls even look good... for larper standards that is. But just when you feel optimistic, things get ugly, really ugly.

Critique #1: When you are matching your scales to your beard? BAD.

Critique #2: When you are matching your sweatshirt to your dog? EXTRA BAD.


Critique #3: When your dog no longer resembles a dog because you've larped the hell out of him? There are no words to describe what crimes you have committed.

Nerds Behind Closed Doors

Thus far, my only interactions with the nerd species have been in public and... ahem... through World of Warcraft . However I have this burning desire to understand how a nerd acts in his natural environment... behind closed doors. Since Elman refuses to invite Heidi and I over to his mom's basement, we must take things into our own hands. (And yes, I realize that our desire to explore Elman's basement is grounds for involuntary institutionalization). As luck would have it, I came across a website the other day that may allow me to become a nerd voyeur without having to stalk the elusive creatures with my night vision goggles. And it is just as disgusting as it sounds:


The website http://www.drivemeinsane.com/ allows you to control a nerd's home office from your very own computer. You can turn Christmas lights on and off and on again, with just a click of your mouse, in hopes of driving said nerd insane. While this is an interesting concept, what is more intriguing is that they are allowing us a portal into nerd abodes. What I have found explains why voyeurs must be arrested. We're just no good to society anymore after we've gouged out our eyes and can't stop screaming.

You are damn right I'm not smart! What possessed me to push the boundary between reality and nerdality? And the worst part is I just can't look away. Please, let us move on to Ryuji Land:

Shhh... quiet, don't scare the nerd away. He's hopped up on Moutain Dew and Pringles, there is no way of knowing what he might do. We will not be held responsible for loss of personal property or social lives. Run for your life...

There is an underground geek gang? Oh the humanity. That's just what we need. The Bloods, the Crips AND the Geeks. Prepare yourself for gang wars involving brutal boffer beheadings and larper lightsaber lambastes.

Now that my eyes have been opened to the secrets of nerd homelife, I am promptly closing them.

The Case of the Mysterious Poo

Today was crappy, both figuratively and literally. While on my morning walk back from the coffee shop, I was presented with something horrifying. As though setting the general tone for the day, an unsuspecting curb between 11th and 13th in downtown Tacoma foretold all.

(Thank you to the brave pootographer that hunted down the specimen).

The picture does little to communicate the sheer size of this mysterious poo. Worst of all, it just sat there so smugly, as though nothing was amiss. Sufficiently traumatized, I high-tailed it back to the office to discuss my findings with a thrilled Heidi. And she will tell you, this event preoccupied my thoughts for a solid 5 hours.

As though my terror wasn't enough, when I came back from lunch, I found an impostor in my chair. Albeit a better chocolate version, its resemblance was uncanny and instigated mind-numbing flashbacks. Not to say I didn't eat the impostor turd, because like I said before... it was chocolate.

And so, where am I going with all this? I'm sure you are guessing nowhere good... and you'd be right. Some people have inquired about our lovely blog name 2 Girls 1 Larp and what better tie-in could there be to discuss this topic than that fecal trophy outside?

A play on words from 2 Girls 1 Cup, a viral video we all hold so close to our hearts, 2 Girls 1 Larp also hopes to exude the same kind of disgust found in a mixture of girls, larping and anything nerdy as one found in the mixture of girls, poo and a cup. A thanks goes out to A.S. for this spark of genius.

So yeah, that's about it. No poo involved... although it's debatable how close larping comes to such a bodily function. I leave you now with Stewie's classic reaction to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

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LAN Parties: A Synopsis

For being social outcasts at times, nerds certainly have active social lives. Lately, I have been hearing more and more about nerd gatherings called LAN parties. LAN apparently stands for local area network, not Losers And Nerds as I had first assumed.

I have not personally been to a LAN party, but there are plans, OH there are plans. While Dungeon Master Elman plans to ban Heidi and I from lanning just as much as he plans to ban us from D&Ding, LAN we will!

So, let me try to paint a picture for you. One day, you get an invitation to a party, and you're like yay! Liquor and hookers! Little do you know you have been invited to a LAN Party and have no idea what you are getting yourself into. You arrive at your destination with a keg and a fifth of vodka, open the door and are greeted by rows and rows of beady bloodshot eyes illuminated by the glow of computer screens.

Oh yes, you are now in for at least 24 hours of multiplayer gaming debauchery, often times in someone's garage or basement. Don't think you can last that long on the computer, let alone in a room packed full of nerd paraphernalia?

Well this is where I insert a crucial part of this story. Yesterday, as Elman was referring to this pinnacle of his nerd social calendar, the LAN party, he plainly stated one detail I should not miss:

"We drink balls..."

As I sat there trying to contemplate what this could mean, grasping at anything that could erase the horrifying visual that was taking form in my mind, he sent me a clarifying link over IM. With a sigh of relief, I then realized Elman was making a NERD statement, not a genitalia one. I know... I should have assumed. What he said was:

"We drink Bawls..."

There is a carbonated drink called Bawls which actually sponsors these nerd gatherings. Packed with an ungodly amount of caffeine, this drink aims to power up a nerd's gaming abilities so they have no need to be inconvenienced by sleep... or a social life.


Notice the bumps on the bottle. Oh yes, this drink is specifically built for speed. Bawls brand also offers: G33K B33R.


A root beer for nerds... what will they think of next.

Well, in fact they thought of a genius product called Geek Mints. Described by Wikipedia as mints that"can be put into a bottle of Bawls to rapidly release the carbonation of the drink and mint to produce a large head of foam which often overflows. This is called a "Fizzing Blue Bawls". " EWW, what? There are so many double entendres in that description my head might explode.

And so, cheers to Blue Bawls and LAN Parties... as though you didn't already know they go hand in hand.

From Catsweaters and Beastmachine

A Nerd Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, which got me contemplating whether nerd love might exist. There are all sorts of fetishes for those who enjoy Furries, or feet... or as we saw in a recent post, equine farm love. But could it be there are people out there with nerd fetishes? *shudder*

Well, my worst nightmares have come true. A very disturbed individual in the San Francisco Bay Area composed a lengthy list of reasons on Craigslist about "Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...". Fine, I'm an open minded person, I will give her the benefit of the doubt before I make my final conclusion. Here is a sampling of her most compelling arguments:

Nerd Lover Reason #2: "They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself."

Whoa... I'm feeling a little flushed. This girl just might be on to something, I mean, Captain Kirk's Love Thrust? Look at that form!

Nerd Lover Reason #3: "They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for."

I must say, until I get a love letter with this much passion, my life just won't be complete. Oh Jessica, I hope you and your nerd stalker have reconciled. Otherwise, how can there be hope for the rest of us?

Nerd Lover Reason #4: "Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from."


Wait a second, aren't you supposed to be convincing me on the merits of nerd lovin'? Try HARDER.

Nerd Lover Reason #7: "Sex. Yep. Sex. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... ".

Please tell me he is at least leveling up or this is just too sad. Yes Heidi, I know it's slightly horrifying that the act of leveling up would rectify this scenario for me.

Nerd Lover Reason #9: "You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store."

First of all, said nerd better be packing a significantly bigger and better mouse than THAT. Second of all, where exactly is that mouse plugged in?

Nerd Lover Reason #10: "Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet."

Oh Jessica! I knew there was hope! I'm so glad that things worked out. Let me know when the baby shower is, I have just the place to get baby stormtrooper gear.

Alright, I have thought about all this evidence long and hard. Can I look past those coke bottle glasses, the pungent smell of Mountain Dew and the closet full of larp paraphernalia?

My Conclusion:

If you are still on the fence, you can read the complete list on why to pursue a nerd romance here:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/66795671.html

Author's Note: I really do apologize for the excessive amount of underwear shots. It hurts me too...

WoW Trial Update #3

As it was prophesied, World of Warcraft has a nerd life force that is nearly impossible to resist. Just when I think that my current level is plenty awesome, they lure me back in with fancy accessories that I cannot adorn myself with until I reach an even more awesome level. I have a pair of super shiny bracelet thingys just sitting in my backpack staring at me, mocking me until I achieve the glory of Level 13. I suppose it also doesn't help that the game flat out insults me, also driving me to reach higher!


Admittedly, I am catching flack from all sides regarding this unexpected obsession. Even full blown nerds are looking at me stupefied by this turn of events. I've been given all sorts of reasons to get out, GET OUT NOW! Warnings include extremely diminished social life, crippling carpal tunnel, full blown nerd influenza and complete loss of self respect, resulting in suicidal tendencies. WoW could very well be the gateway nerd drug to summer larp parties and D&D keggers. Oh YES...


Now do not become too alarmed for poor Beastmachine. First of all, the trial is over Saturday, when I will have to decide whether to put $15 towards another month of nerdom or towards a pair of exquisite shoes.


Damn, those shoes would look SO much better than my current cryptwalker boots and would definitely compliment my a-MAZING brackwater leggings. +20 Agility, +30 Stamina... I would be unstoppable. Sigh, my future has become clear... at least Elman will still envy my good looks.

Fail Versus Win

Today I introduce an important part of Internet terminology: FAIL. Used to describe an action that is so completely unsuccessful it just might imply awesomeness, I can tell you the nerd world has led me to a lot of fail.

Fail #1: A Dungeon & Dragons Rap



We larp on the first date too right Heidi? Mmm... RPG based fantasies

Fail #2: My Search History for the Week

Watermelon boobs... uhhh, yeah. It's no good if THAT isn't the most embarrassing search query.

And no I didn't black out an entry because I was searching for porn. PLEASE... I don't have to search for porn at work when I come across jewels like this on the daily:

Fail #3: Yay! Porn!

Seriously? A free lifetime membership? You don't want a lifetime of what is going on downtown on that horse. Does he look amused? I didn't think so.

Fail #4: And then sometimes fail reaches such impossible heights that we just have pure, unadulterated WIN:

Hell yes that is a boffing axe!
Thanks to Cavedweler, The Boffer, Deathklaw and Ms. Awesome Goth Boots on this one.

This Would Be the 1 Larp...

Due to technical difficulties... alright, I'm not going to lie, due to me expending all my nerd time on WoW, I'm going to make this short and sweet. And boy do I mean SWEET.

That larper's nether regions just got... pwned? Oh that's right, I've taken it to another nerd level. Wow Heidi, we have been talking about a lot of nether regions in the last couple days, no?

Now I will leave you non-nerds with a helpful definition courtesy of Wikipedia:

• Pwned: domination or humiliation of a rival, used primarily in the Internet gaming culture to taunt an opponent who has just been soundly defeated

Watch Me Read Watchmen

Friends,

I am so worried about our dear Lauren. My one ally at work has gone, I fear, to the dark side. Yes, yes, it was all for the good of the blog, or so we told ourselves... but oh Lauren... she's slipping too far and too fast.

Lauren blogs like she hasn't a care in the world... But at work, she stumbles in, groggy from all-night Undead WoW benders, reeking of Mt. Dew and nerd, unable even to show her face.


Hiding behind your drug of choice, Laur? No honey... no blood elf can save you now. I must do what a friend must, though, and so in I go to try to wrestle her back. Despite the certain danger it poses to my own sanity, I am downloading WoW as we speak. Thanks to some nerd guidance at work, I know that I can go in as a Priest, and together we will create an unkillable team that can help each other to the safety of the non-WoW realm. Lauren! Grab my hand!

Now granted, I have some nerdery of my own to confess... and yes, it, too, falls under the category of "for the good of the blog"... I am reading a comic book. A comic book, people. For the good of the blog... the blog Heidi! Lauren tells me we now have an international audience (Google Analytics -- developed by nerds, and now enjoyed by cultural anthropologists who study The Nerd. Whoa, Heavy.) This audience, (I'm going to go ahead and count Wisconsin along side GB, because, really... where is that?) this audience must be fed. This audience expects.... book reports. And so, having not been able to get my hands on / being too proud to walk into a store and ask for "Nerd Likes it Hot," I have decided to read "Watchmen." It's all the rage these days, even amongst the non-nerd set, so I thought I'd give it a try. Besides, I learned today that even my beloved Suicide Girls read comic books:


I wonder if she has the comic version of Dungeon Runners: Pony Adventure.

I stumbled upon Watchmen last week when, trapped in the backseat of a nerd's car (.nooooooo/gag) between two nerds (.fuuuuuuuuuuu/puke), I found a copy of Watchmen in the backseat (because what else do nerds do back there?) and withdrew into it as a defense mechanism. And boy, did I learn a lot. First off, Dr. Manhattan? That dude is ripped and he Never Wears Clothes:


Now, I'm only about 25 pages in so far, so I don't know a lot about Dr. Manhattan yet; he's blue, I know that... what else what else? He's like, a superhero or something... hmm... he's got a government-funded prostitute who lives with him and is afraid of her 30's:




So that's how they got me! Luckily, the men in this coloring book are super sensitive:





Anyway, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it looks like it's shaping up to be decent. Elman tells me that Dr. Manhattan can "get as big as he wants," which make this image all the more meaningful:


And besides, it may not be "Nerds Like it Hot," but it looks like things are about to get roasty toasty up in this bitch:


At any rate, Watchmen was named one Time Magazine's Top 100 Novels... so I'll just pretend that was the New York Times and I'll be good to go. I'll keep you posted, though I won't ruin it for you. The intergalactic blowjob we've just witnessed (thanks Elman, for the confirmation) doesn't happen til later and I curse myself for flipping through... I promise no screenshots of anything plot related... it'll be all bitter hookers and blowjobs from here on out.

Peace out Nerds! My WoW trial just finished downloading... I'm off to rescue Lauren, even if it kills me... or unkills her. Wish me luck!