Happy Towel Day!

Poor Memorial Day, it just had to fall on the ever more popular Towel Day, a nerd holiday celebrated every May 25th. This day not only honored all our military, but also the creation of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and it's author Douglas Adams.

The holiday is no Star Wars day, however you do get to walk around town holding a towel signifying your respect and remembrance for the book and author without looking crazy. Oh wait...

If you haven't read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, mostly because my scathing review a couple months back scared you off, basically all you need to know is that if you happen to get lost in space, you better have a towel in hand. Don't roll your eyes at me, you know it's going to happen.

Just think about it. A towel can be a blanket, twisted up it can be an ass whipping weapon, worn over one's head it can filter out nerd stink, or it can be used as a white flag when the aliens come to probe you. That's right, I just saved your life.

Elman's Housewarming Gift

Our arch nemesis Elman has broken the nerd trend and moved out of his mother's basement. At the tender age of 22, he is now a proud home owner and no longer has to hide his naughty magazines under his mattress.

Heidi and I, being the caring, loving co-workers that we are, have come up with several items we are considering for Elman's housewarming gift.

1) The Man Crib


Of course this wouldn't be complete without some pajamas:

Moving from the basement to above ground is going to be a big transition for Elmie. A man sized crib and footie pajamas we can only hope will lessen the shock and help him regain some of the security he has lost.

2) A Dungeon and Dragon's Dungeon Master Outfit

Elman claims to be a Dungeon Master yet he really lacks the outfit to back it up. So in order to get his nerd legions to respect him just a smidgen more, we bestow the following:

Scratch that, this is far more applicable to the situation.

You should see Heidi feverishly knitting away, an Elman sized bag over head is no small task people.

3) Cat Love

If there is one thing you need to know about Elman, it's that he hates cats. Quite similarly with women, he just hasn't met one that doesn't go screaming around the room, trying to claw its way to an escape route. Well, have we found the cat for Elman.


Elman needs someone who will unconditionally love him besides his mother. Sure it's in exchange for food and its coming in the form of an obese cat, but beggars can't be choosers.

4) Joker Art

Elman has declared on several occasions that he wants to have the Joker's babies. Yes, that does make him a necrophiliac and also leads me to believe that some horrible things must be going down with his reproductive system that I really just don't want to know about. So, to honor his muse/lover, we have found him some wall art.

5) A Warning Sign

This is the only gift that Elman legitimately wants... like seriously. I'm pretty sure his security system is set to stun should a XX chromosome cross his threshold.

The Klingon Empire Pageant

We've all heard of Miss USA and Miss Universe, but did anyone have any idea there was a Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant?

On September 9th, 2009 all aspiring female Klingons will gather in Atlanta at Dragon Con to compete for an 8 inch tall jeweled tiara, a Klingon trophy and more importantly the title of Miss Klingon Empire 2009. Based on past year's winners, there is going to be some stiff and bumpy competition.

Each contestant is judged in three categories: beauty, talent and personality. From my research (don't you mock me), Klingons are a warrior clan and one of their many talents is being busty, as seen below. They are also complete bitches and will rip your head off just to get to that crown... although I suppose that isn't too different from beauty queens in general. When the 2007 Miss Klingon Empire was interviewed about passing on her crown she stated: “I’ll cut the head off the new winner, and then I’ll have two crowns and a trophy.”

Don't mess with this lady, she has the crazy in her eyes... and is definitely going to eat that guy behind her.

Other highlights of the pageant include celebrity judges like George Takei who played Hiraku Sulu on the Star Trek television series. You'll be thrilled to know that registration is still open, and if anything, you should go just to hear the Master of Ceremonies sing "Miss Klingon" and "She's a Klingon". Or you could just watch the first 2 minutes of this video and save yourself the horror of finding yourself permanently wedged in that Klingon bosom.

The Return to the Nerd Kingdom

Last week I took a vacation from the nerd kingdom that is my job. I had high hopes of completely extricating myself from the unhealthy habit of nerdy activities for a full week. I relaxed, did some gardening, went shopping... saw Star Trek with Heidi, researched Fanboys, looked up when larping season begins, installed a "beta" version of Windows 7...

DAMMIT.

There's no escape. This really dawned on me a few days ago, while I was watching Grandma's Boy, (a stoner/nerd flick that revolves around a bunch of video game testers with no lives.)


At first the movie made me think that maybe I could be a video game tester because that would be cool. UGH. Then I made a comment on a nerd's interior decorating choices in the movie, which mostly involved binary wallpaper:

ME: Binary!? Lame...
Anonymous Nerd: You knew it was binary, LAME!

Yes, I was dissed by a nerd. And then, just when my self esteem couldn't get any lower, the evil uber nerd character JP who consistently talks in a robot voice walks into the room and says:

"Hey Samantha, look, sorry I can't make the dinner tonight, I just got the new season of Buffy on DVD and I'm gonna kick it at my crib and watch the bonus features."

Dear lord, I'm this guy. One trip to the trench coat store and I'm set:

It's all too horrible for words. At least I have two more seasons of Buffy to console me.

A Post for the Ladies

Hey girls, this post is for you. I am about to provide you with some nerd kryptonite. We've all been there, you turn around to find that that hot raspy breath in your ear is this guy:


Or this guy:


Oh GOD, this guy too:


Two brilliant girls (sadly not us), have come up with a fabulous creeper deterrent. Hidden inside a fancy little keychain lies a fake engagement ring that you can whip on when you see your future nerd stalker. However if instead Captain Kirk arrives, you can quickly tuck that sucker back away and canoodle yourself onto the Starship Enterprise. Spock babies here we come!

You can own one for only $50 at http://mstaken.com/ Even better, they have created a music video that spoofs SNLs "Jizz in my Pants" and shows the situation from a girl's perspective. Nerds, hear us roar!

Happy Star Wars Day

I can only assume that today's holiday is little known because it is overshadowed by all the booze buying necessary for the preparation of tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo. So it is my job to alert you to the fact that May 4th is semi-official Star Wars Day and that you better recognize.

How this holiday doesn't get me a paid day off from work, I don't know. With its motto: "May the Fourth be with you" (get it? get it?), this may very well be the pinnacle of all nerd holidays. While there are no official activities, I know in my heart that nerds the world over are gathering in their mother's basements, watching all six digitally remastered movies, holding brief intermissions to reenact battles with their plastic light saber glowsticks, and after the Mountain Dew wears off, crying silently into the fuzzy bellies of their stuffed Chewbacca dolls.

Meanwhile George Lucas is crying into his $3.9 billion net worth because he only got laid twice today. What a pathetic bastard.

A Real Super Hero to Call Our Own

Sorry for the long break between posts. I have been seeking inspiration/falling asleep while watching marathon sessions of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is a pitiful life I live, writing about nerds and wishing I could be a demon killer. But then that elusive inspiration hit yesterday. Inspiration for a nerd post and for me to one day become the superhero Dracula ass-kicker I always wanted to be.

Over in good old Cincinnati, a 21 year old nerd has taken it upon himself to become the city's masked avenger. His name is The Shadow Hare. Yeah, I wouldn't imagine the name strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies either, but then you see him in person...

Alright, no fear there either. However he claims to to have defeated drug dealers, robbers and all sorts of other unseemly characters. This is all well and good, until one delves further and discovers that Shadow Hare is part of The Allegiance of Heroes.

What's wrong with belonging to this Allegiance? Nothing, except when you realize that these masked vigilantes of justice are actually larpers and cos-players with a new, dangerous maybe even nerdier hobby.

In this most impressive line up of heroes, I have found a few I would like to import to the Puget Sound area. We have plenty of drug dealers, pedophiles and murderers in lovely Tacoma that need a good beatdown, but mostly Heidi and I are seeking back up against the indestructible Elman creature. Seriously people, he's like a cockroach, the more you squish him with your shoe, the stronger he comes back.

Candidite #1: The Angle Grinder Man

This hero wanders around London freeing cars of their wheel clamps. Sure he has limited skills and a horrifyingly accentuated shiny package, but I feel we could easily use his clamping skills to immobilize Elman and then have him permanently impounded. Um EW, that came off sounding far more dirty than deadly. //puke. That's right it warranted the double slash puke.

Candidate #2: Superbarrio

I actually feel really bad making fun of this one, because he does a lot of good in his community, but sacrifices must be made. His Mexican roots will lull Elman into a false sense of security, and then BAM, swine flu will be rained upon him. Too soon? Nope, there's no time to waste in the destruction of Elman.

Candidate #3: Polar Man

The World Superhero Database describes Polar Man as an unknown white man who prowls the streets shoveling elders' steps and walkways and entertaining children. You must be wondering how in the world this guy and his snow shovel might terrorize our dear Elman. Well clearly Polar Man is a serious threat to Elman's dating and social calendar. When all the geriatrics dump Elman for Polar Man, he will have no reason to go on.

Elman doesn't stand a chance against our powerful allies. If you are looking for your own vigilante, make sure to check out the Hero Database here:

World Super Hero Registry

A Nerd Accessory: The USB Drive

Nerds are not typically ones to accessorize. I mean really, what can possibly go with coke bottle glasses, a 1980's haircut, and a Star Wars t-shirt? Well yes, an inflatable girlfriend, but besides that.

For instance, if one were to rummage through a nerd's pocket, might they find a rolex watch? Doubtful. The nerd species just isn't into all that flash and glamour. Unless of course it relates to their gadgets.

If you keep rummaging in that pocket... yes, I know, it's a dark dank place you had hoped to never find yourself... you will undoubtedly encounter a family of USB drives. These little sticks of memory are directly correlated to a nerd's manhood. If you're attending a nerd gathering only packing a lowly 4 gigabyte USB drive you best turn around and reassess your life plan. These days owning a 16GB might not even be enough to rouse enough envy in your fellow nerd to make him rush to Newegg.com and buy a bigger and better nerd stick. But you know what? I'm guessing these will:

Princess Leia USB- 2GB- $54.95

You want to buy this, don't you?

Lego USB- 2GB- $29.95

Go ahead, live your nerd dreams...

USB Necktie- Not yet for sale... but don't you wish it was?

The Enigma- 64GB times 3- $10,000

Sure you could buy a small country instead, but this USB will guarentee the geek girls to come arunning. Prepare to max out your credit card.

USB Schlong- 1GB- $20

This masterpiece could only be improved upon with some blue shellac. Plug it in, and it glows red. Sold? I thought so. Purchase here.

Nerd Trial: Magic the Gathering Online

I blame Heidi. She just HAD to go on vacation, leaving me to my own devices for a whole week. And what do I decide to go and do? I am going to download Magic the Gathering Online. Created by some mathematician and Wizards of the Coast (the creators of D&D), Magic just screams nerd. What proof do I have you ask? A certain Elman plays it which would be enough said, but on top of that he pours countless dollars into virtual cards. That's right. The man (god what a horrible descriptor) is not even buying tangible nerd gear. He is buying nerd pixels!

So in effort to understand the awe of these magical nerd pixels, I have started downloading the game. I don't know what's with these nerd games taking an eternity to download. I could have driven to the comic book store, bought a crate of real Magic cards, unwrapped them, mocked Elman and then burned the cards in the time it took for this game to finish downloading. And then this happened.


EXCUSE ME!?! I just wasted 2 hours of my nerd life so that you can be a whore and crash the first time I open you? AND THE SECOND!? Aha! Well, thankfully these developers thought ahead and put a repair button on the opening screen.


Oh NO you didn't! I have to now download six times the number of files I did the first time around? What IS this? I'm downloading Elman's nerd hobby, not his porn collection!

... ... ... still downloading ... ... ... oh, getting a little closer... ... ... oh my god, I think I died... ... ... only 10 more files to go. YES, SUCCESS! Launch program...

That's it. Review OVER. Magic the Gathering is the worst game in history. And this is my bug report: SUCK IT. This game has managed to drain my soul before I even bought one single nerd pixel. I'm sure Elman has somehow used his nerd powers to hijack my computer and block me from entering his sacred nerd land. Well you know what I say to that? I SUMMON...

I claim victory with just one card. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

2G1L Book Review: HitchHiker's Guide

I had to read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams because it is Mr. Ultimate Nerd Elman's favorite book. Yes, that is his given name. Of course Elman has horrible taste in everything, but I gave the book a chance because other people with opinions I actually value said it was worth reading.

So I meandered over to the used book store, was saddened I couldn't find the book myself, and was forced to ask the guy at the front desk where the nerd aisle was. I then made the mistake of buying the volume that compiled all five novels together instead of just buying the famous first one. My nerd eyes are clearly bigger than my stomach because at this pace, I will get done with all five novels around 2050.

The first novel is only about 140 pages long. I could certainly read that in a day if I put my mind to it. Ahem... I started this book about a month and a half ago. I had to reread the beginning because I had forgotten what happened. This actually wasn't too unfortunate because the first couple chapters are really really good. You are introduced to the two main characters, the human Arthur Dent and the alien Ford Prefect.
In fact, I thought all the characters were great, like the evil Vogon race they come across who uses recited poetry as a means of torture. This is something I can totally identity with. My downfall with the book was the plot, a good amount of the time I just had no idea what the hell was going on. I admit, I'm no genius but I understand the English language... pretty damn well. Can somebody translate this for me?

"The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian Motion producer (say a nice hot cup of tea) were of course well understood-- and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy."

HUH!? First of all, could that sentence BE any longer? And what's with the tea? Crazy British bastards. You're probably thinking this would make sense if given in context, but no, not really. The context is Arthur and Ford were saved from imminent death by some infinitely improbable ship, and this only happened because of some horrible physics explanation. Did I mention I HATE physics? There is no wonder this book makes me feel nauseous, it teleports me back to high school physics class when I sat there with the same blank look I had while reading this book.

Now then, if we extract all this physics garbage because really, what has that crap ever done for us, then we have a story I can work with. And by work with, I mean I am now headed to Blockbuster to rent the movie so that Hollywood can better explain to me how aliens and astrophysics go together.

In other news, The Oxford University Douglas Adams Society has cooked up a HitchHiker's Guide roleplaying drinking game. Maybe those British aren't so crazy after all. They advocate cross-dressing while bar hopping and drinking massive quantities of booze. Where was THAT in the book!?

Go to The Hitchhiker's RPG

An Intro to Cosplay- Sakura-Con 2009

Heidi, we have made a grave, grave mistake. Remember when I told you that Sakura-Con 2009 was last weekend and that it cost an insane $40 to get in and we decided to not go? I don't think I realized this event was the pinnacle of nerd activity until I went looking for photos to see exactly what we missed. I feel like that $40 might of been well worth seeing these nerds in action. For example:

Example 1: Jesus is a nerd AND skipped Easter to go to Sakura-Con? The Apocalypse is truly nigh.

Example 2: Dude be packing some Pocky. I'm in love. Wait a second, it just occurred to me that some of our readers might be more clueless than I, especially after seeing these pictures. Maybe you don't know what a "Con" is, or more importantly what cosplay involves. Well, let me enlighten you.

Cosplay is not unlike larping, where individuals dress up and really dedicate themselves to becoming a character. However cosplay is more like a fashion show whereas larping revolves around using one's character in an ongoing game. Short for costume play, cosplay is often considered a type of performance art because participants reenact character scenes as well as concentrate on the intricate details needed to replicate their character's costume.

Japanese culture is a very popular theme, and anime and manga provide infinite character inspiration... none of which I know, because we just haven't delved into that insanity yet. And finally, there are literally like a hundred of these Con's around the country where all the cosplay nerds flock to exhibit their hard work. And no, I'm not even mocking here, the time and money put into some of these costumes is quite amazing. Last weekend's Sakura-Con was Seattle's big convention, and just because I enjoy them SO much, and I am already planning the 2 Girls 1 Larp maiden cosplay adventure for next year, here are some more examples:

The Pièce de Résistance

Link of the Day: The Black Nerd

Today's link of the day is: http://www.blacknerdcomedy.com/. The owner of this website is a comedian, Andre Meadows, who is attempting to break the mold of the typical nerd. You know, the pasty white guy with thick glasses, ill fitting clothes, and that twinkle of crazy in his eye. At first glance, one would guess that this Andre fellow is a "normal" as he lacks all the telltale signs of nerd. But then you delve further and he reveals his penchant for donning his man size Scooby Doo costume and his expansive knowledge of video games.


He even goes so far as to create an ode to the Konami Code, something of video game legend. For those hardcore nerds, the Konami Code brings them back to the 80's when this sacred gift to the nerds emerged. The code let players cheat in difficult games created by Konami like Contra by giving the player 3 times the number of lives. All one had to do was pause the game and input a sequence of buttons. And so the lazy nerds multiplied in number. Thanks Konami, I full well intend to sue you for creating Elman.

Make sure to check out the Black Nerd's website where he has videos, a blog and even movie reviews. He may have turned into a full blown nerd but at least he's entertaining, which is more than I can say for some nerds. Yes Elman, I'm looking at you.

Happy Nerd Easter!

What do nerds and Easter have in common? Absolutely nothing unless you are at Target shopping in the Easter aisle and by surely fate alone, come across the best Easter egg coloring kit EVER.

I haven't made Easter eggs in oh, about five years, but this opportunity wasn't one to be passed up. A Star Wars tie fighter made out of a hard boiled egg? CHECK!

Egg Tie Fighter

Real Tie Fighter

The resemblance is uncanny, no? In fact, the egg tie fighter serves as a meaningful metaphor in the fragility of a real tie fighter in battle, one glancing blow and that bastard cracks like our dye saturated egg. Dammit, I just spent far too much time researching ship specs on Wookipedia.

In addition, I am very concerned that tomorrow morning when my roommate opens the refrigerator to make breakfast, that she will one, be terrified by the dairy Imperial starfighter battling the cottage cheese and two, be even more terrified to realize that she is living with someone with full-blown closet nerditis.

Then again, how can you not be proud to be associated with the genius (ME) who created these Easter specimens. I have no doubt that the Geekster Bunny is dying his Imperial Egg arsenal as we speak.

To the Comic Book Store!

Being the wonderful friend/enabler that she is, Heidi both found the local comic book store as well as accompanied me on our Saturday adventure there. The journey was long and arduous, our mix of excitement and shame weighing us down, as our main objective was to greet a bonafied comic book writer in the flesh.

When we arrived, we were surprised how normal this promised land appeared wedged within a run of the mill strip mall. But then we stepped inside...

OH MY GOD, WE HIT THE MOTHERLOAD!! From floor to ceiling, we were bombarded with action figure, comic book and graphic novel goodness. To the left, Star Wars comics, to the right, Watchmen barbie, and straight ahead, the key to my heart.

I have no qualms in admitting I'm a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fangirl. But little did I know there is a massive comic book series that continues where the show left off. You may now congratulate me on my first ever comic book purchase. I chose carefully, because I know this sucker is going to be worth millions in a few years. Look at the detail in those Pomeranians. Unfortunately it took me about 2 minutes in the car to rip that plastic sleeve right off and ravage those colorful Buffy filled pages.

Also included in my purchase were two beautiful D&D dice. Heidi, do you think it would be too much to turn these into earrings? Elman would be SO jealous.

And just when I thought my shopping spree had ended, the Star Wars PocketModel Trading Card Game caught my eye. Whilst also intrigued by the stack of Magic Cards, these unknown cards screamed for more research. Alright, I will fess up, it was Hayden Christiansen on the front that really made the sale. But best of all, when I got home I realized not only were there nerd cards, but also a little ship building kit. Hell yes I was excited, look at my wonderful creations.

I am truly a nerd craftsman now. Sadly the comic book signing we had anticipated is not happening until May 2nd, or free comic book day. And by sadly I mean hot damn! This is a national comic book holiday where comic book stores around the country give out free comic books. Watch out nerd world, Heidi and Lauren will be there bright and early.

Comic Book Ink

1625 East 72nd and Portland ave.Suite 800

Tacoma, WA 98404